Fantasy

No one is as good as your fantasy of them. Get to know the real person instead.

There are no fantasy of anyone. So why would I be creating some fantasy land - filled with a marriage package and kids?

Human Urges. Fatel Consequences

"In the heart are three emotions - I felt them then: love, fear and hatred. I could see that an individual could only have one of the three at a time. When you were in love you knew no fear or hatred. When you were fearful, there was no possibility of love or hate. And when there was hate, there was only hate."


Excerpt from "The Last Vampire" by Christopher Pike. 

Cracked Under Pressure

I have never thought I was one to crack under pressure, but today proved to much to handle, even for me. Some retard went on and on and on about what to do next, and really to spice things up - the fucking case isn't even my own. I might have cracked under pressure, but I am sure to take revenge, but constantly slipping up and  making mistakes and perpetually "forgetting" any deadlines. You want to play hard ball with me? I'll make you pay for the few drops of tears that I have shed.


You can really fucking go to hell for all I care. You make me sick and I really do hate you. 

A Change Of Heart

It started out with one evening, where I narrated my story, about the hospital and a familiar face to a close friend of mine. Her response was so unexpected, that when she referred to him as that guy, everything somehow fell apart. She doesn't like him, neither does his colleagues apparently.


I saw no reason to despite him, as he gave me something and was someone I could look forward to everyday, every weekday. The discovery I made - so shockingly changed my point of view slightly, and I tried to defend how I felt or how complicated he was for most people to understand. That was all on Tuesday. 


Thursday morning. I had a casual chat with my friends, and he noted another acronym for CPA. I found it funny for a rough 30 seconds, and then I started questioning him about who came up with that idea. My friend brushed it off, but that was when he did not realize he would have slipped up a minute or two into the conversation. This friend of mine was laughing together with his own colleagues , while I stood there patiently. Then, he mentioned the smart-arse's name. At that moment, it hit me so hard, that this person / puzzle / motivation that I loved so much seem to disregard education. That moment, the change of heart occurred. I felt angry and disconnected. How can anyone "bash" around education, like its a punching bag. I am passionate about education, and this crushes me. 


Now I truly understand how it feels to be among the haters. 


Please do not diss that one thing in life, that put you where you are today. That is our education. We may not have the best education system, but it is nevertheless an education, some people only can hope and dream about. You could have gone to an overseas university, that doesn't make you any better than the person sitting next to you. I am passionate about it, and while you may not enjoy education, do not ruin it for the many other people. Education has never done anything to hurt you, but provide you a platform to stand on. 

Deep Down

You're the type of person who notices everything and forgets nothing. You are very in tune with the world. You feel deeply, and sometimes the silliest things can effect you. You are easily brought to laughter or tears.

You don't show the world how fragile you are. You instead show people how insightful you can be. You are good at anticipating what's going to happen in your life. You are often the first one to see what's coming.

Thank You, Door

This is pretty awkward for me to talk about, and I totally understand it was nothing special to wail about. Today, I manage to accumulate some level of bravery and say a soft but certainly audible "thank you", when the door was held open. It may seem insignificant to the normal, rational me but at this current stage, I feel great. It feel amazing to move past that silence stage where I would not utter a single word. I am so happy today for no apparent reason. Its not like holding the door open was anything special, but it gave me the opportunity to speak up, when I had never dared dream. 


I am glad, I have moved past stage one of mustering all my courage to say something, anything at all. 


j Y 

Succumbed To The Pressure Of Life

My best friend cooed that she was proud to have a successful career focused friend. My only reply is that it tires me at times to be on the fast track. She goes on saying that I am the only one (out of four of us) as of now to have everything I have hoped for, in regards to a career life. It is indeed a tiring process to maintain that train on that specific rail. At times, it feels like the train could swerve out of line, at any moment.


She continues the admiration, while I continue the self-destructive embarrassment. Despite being career focused, I do admit that at times I wish I was a little less rigid in my target and plans. I have a schedule for everything in life - where nothing becomes spontaneous in life. My biggest woe is the fact I don't have a love life. In fact, it looks bleak. My social life has been on a crawl back to some hope of life, with my closest friends coming back. 


Indeed life is tough on everyone. It becomes slightly tougher when I prefer to surround myself with a few close friends, whom I really care for - instead of the unusual 300 friends on Facebook. That seems a little superficial for me. I enjoy the afternoon talks, where the discussion is open about the past, present and future - no issue left unanswered, unturned. I do miss my closest friends all the time. I can't pretend to be one of those whom can make "fast friends" and dump them a few months down. Its wrong on so many levels. 


I love the work I do. It might have a set of problems attached at the hip, but the problems are minor. Friday was a hurricane for me. It started out slow, slow slow - slow till the point where I can be sick about it. After lunch, I felt miserable as a whole person, as a friend, as an employee. My emotions were high strung, and all over the place. I lost it on Friday. Was I worried about something? I doubt it. Towards the last 2 hours, it became a typhoon of problems where a client posed a really silly, but relevant question. It made me feel stupid, when I could not provide him an answer. This followed on with a mistake I made in relation to my leave application. How silly I felt to miss that out. The world around and inside me was falling apart. When everything was done, I felt like a total useless piece of paper. I was that crushed blank sheet of paper, with no emotions attached to it.It broke my spirit. 


Waking late on Saturday morning after an enjoyable night did not help. The "hangover of headache" did not help my reckless emotions. I consumed not one ounce of alcohol the night before as I was already to tired. This weekend somehow turned out better than expected. My best friend was around to reassure me, that my life was intact - the way it was suppose to. Confident people sometimes do succumb to peer pressure and the pressure at work. My only outlet is to panic in the height of the moment. When I panic, my vocal throat blocks up with a lump - nauseating. I tell myself to breathe, but it is always easier said then done. 

Today’s Hallucination

I seem to hear you everywhere I go, I seem to see you at every corner of my eyes, I feel your presence all the time despite you not physically being there. It gets borderline annoying when I am constantly thinking of you, thinking of your drinking "addiction", your obsession to observe and ask too many questions. Despite not being at work, I can sense your presence. Somehow after months of being infatuated, it becomes slightly boring and then I lose most of my interest in you. But you are so borderline attractive and not at the same time, that you can morph that boredom into a new phase of infatuation. Most of the time, I can't resist looking at you. Can't resist that God gifted smile of yours, but somewhat today, the feeling was different. I felt fearful over turning over to my right. It came to the point where I would intentionally face the left to avoid looking at you. It felt as though I could not meet eyes and look at you, not out of fondness, but fear.

Today the crippling feeling took over where I constantly feel exhausted with my life. It's not that I love my job any less, I still love it unconditionally. Perhaps due to the slow pace at work after the bullet speed beginning, it is getting a little monotonous. For a person with borderline Attention Deficit Disorder, what more do you expect me to feel.

My schedule is becoming so monotonous. Its starts the night before where I sleep at 11.30pm or midnight, and begins with the next morning at 6.00am to 6.35am – shower, dress (which takes incredibly long these days) and sometimes an occasional blow-drying of my hair (depending on the mood and the activity for the day). Heading down for breakfast and my morning coffee, it all last about 15 minutes to a maximum of 25 minutes. Starting work at 7.30am, all alone in the office can be a ball of fun. But when 8.45am comes, I get nervous. The nerves stay with me the whole day (mostly). Today, for some weird timing screw up, I only left at 7.30pm. Coming back home to an empty table, heading up to an empty room where I mostly dump my stuff (before arranging it back) definitely doesn't lighten the mood. It's another round of shower and the beginning of my studies again. Right now, I just feel so exhausted typing this whiny blog piece.

I am just hanging on to dear life because I am waiting for a phone call..............I am going to lie down waiting. I am going to close my eyes waiting. I am going to definitely miss my call.

Grief

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.


.....from Grey's Anatomy season 6 premiere
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Every person has to experience the pain of grief - some point in their lives
When was your moment of pain, that the pain becomes nauseatingly unbearable?
Did you experience it as a kid, growing up when your toys were discovered broken?
Or was it during high school that your crush, crushed you heart by dating someone else?
Was it a few years back in college when you fell in love with the person you thought you would marry, but they ended up breaking your heart?
Did it occur when you boss told you, you were being let go off?
Or when you heard you failed to pass your professional examination papers?
Was it when your marriage ended in an ugly bitter divorce, where sharing custody of the kids is a heart wrenching situation?
Did you feel the pain you were suppose to when you lose a loved (parents, siblings, friends, spouses, child, relatives) one? 


The grief does begin all over, the moment you thought its over. 

Vampire Diaries

Newest addition to my long list of shows. Giving it a try as it has a semi-beautiful poster going on.

09.09.09 - WTF moment !

First there was a rumour circulating that there would be lunch provided today.
Everyone was so glad, for no apparent reason.
Soon after, an email was sent out - confirming the rumour.
After that, we were told to bring out own plates and cutleries.
Fair enough. After all, it was free food.
Exactly 59 minutes later, "Dear all, the food for lunchtoday is so yummy that xxx and her friends have finished it completely. Next time!".

WTF !
Well, WTF is a little to subtle.

Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Random Music

Playlist as at 9th September 2009:

1. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
2. Two is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls (featuring Taylor Swift)
3. Corner of Your Heart by Ingrid Michaelson
4. Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (featuring Leighton Meester)
5. Homecoming by Hey Monday
6. Candles by Hey Monday
7. Viva La Gloria (Little Girl) by Green Day
8. You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
9. Gravity by Sara Bareilles
10. What If by Ashley Tisdale

The Lost Symbol

Today is the mark of the one week countdown which I have been waiting for. 
Why ?
My new pre-ordered book should be on its way to me next week on the 15th. 

House Season 6 - 22 September 2009

One freaking amazingly cool show.
One freaking awesome advert.
Just love the picture so much.
There is no real value to this new post.


j o e Y

Now Or Never

Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Mirroring My Thoughts

Did I fail to see that we are more alike than what I made us to be? I reflect on your words, filling it with emotions and bringing it to life.

Yet, you mirror my thoughts a week later. For a person, who accepts differences, the situation is becoming a little bizarre, even for me.

We don't speak. We think together. Mentally, you have become a challenge. Mentally, it's exciting. Mentally, it's exhausting.

Quote: "wearing a mask every time........... notice that not being yourself is tiring because you find that you are always acting and putting on a show".

I would find it similarly similar to the concerns I had one or two weeks back. I told you, you would burn out of exhaustion.

I warned you. At last, you understood my warnings.

Your words haunt me. It have always.

We are totally contradictors. We say something, which prompts others to have a specific perception of us, but we go straight ahead and deny or contradict our first statement.

Disgusting act in a holy month

Disgusting act in a holy month

Shared via AddThis

We understand that you are humans, so kindly understand that there are people apart from you.
Be in our situation for a moment.
I could not agree more with the writer.

Person and People

People come in many different height, weight, personalities and attitude. While some have the upper hand of being gorgeously looking with that charming personality, there are others who are more average looking, but have such complex personalities. Others are not so good looking, but they have the personality and attitude which can easily overshadow their looks.

Of course, there is the opposite end of things - beautiful, spoil little thing.

There are a few people, in my life who can be charming if they want to, but mainly they are just boring people. Or is it I am a person who gets bored easily. Perhaps, I am.

This group of people, ask the same questions, tell me the same things. I can live without, "Hi, busy?" or "How's work" or "I missed you". Oh please, I can say those words to myself. As much as I appreciate their care, I get bored. When I am bored, everything else is blinded along with my boredom. Let me hear something different.

And then, there are some people who are so complex, which blows me out of the water. The level of complexity is so enigmatic to understand, which gives me the excitement to solve them and all those cryptic words. Some people are long standing suffers, as myself. We suffer in silence, on all levels. Nothing seems to satisfy my needs or curiosity.

I need new friends. Not being critical, but a friend who can understand the enigmatic way my mind thinks. I need my own jigsaw solver. I am as messed up as before. It is brokenly held together with industrial strength glue. After three and a half years, the glue on the inside is beginning to show fatigue signs. The outer layer is drying up.

Complexity, I need you. I need a game. I need someone with a back bone; someone who can say both no and yes at the appropriate moments; someone who is willing to face the consequences of their actions. Yet that person can tell me, stop and breathe. Am I really so much better without you? I think I am, but at times I miss you. I tell myself not to think of you.

As a dedication to you, I need to say that I miss you. I thought I got rid of every shred of memory I had of you, but it is always easier said than done. I miss so many things about you. If the world saw you, they would know I am made out of flesh and bones – that I am capable of caring so deeply. When I am with you, I am never the shallow person I am. Infatuations come and go. Infatuation makes me have knots in my throat, but I need someone like you, someone who kept me at awe. I need to feel the way I feel for a person, the way I feel for a BMW. My heart skips a million skips. My smile lights up. My patience grows. My love never dies.

Can I achieve anything out of the recent infatuation I have with the most complex and interesting person I know? Maybe it is better we are individually complex. We both play at the games. We would be too screwed up together. We would be so messed up.

Counselee Meeting

Morning, morning, morning. I love the mornings. USUALLY.

Today, however was slightly filled with fear. I had the honour to meet with my counsellor.

But truth be told, she is a tough boss to work for. Nevertheless, she is a wonderful person at heart.

I never knew I had so many things in common with her.

This is because I never gave either of us the opportunity to learn about each other.

Her talk was inspirational, touching, teary at one point. She lay down the fact and truth – advise which is hard to come by.

Although we had a short time together, she will always be remembered.

Thank you for the willingness to teach, for pushing us to achieve what we thought we never could and for sharing the knowledge.

For that, I thank you.

Abstain

For a month, once a year, many people abstain from food – which we refer to the month of Ramadan or fasting.

If man, can abstain from food and water for a whole day, it is without doubt that man can go without sex.

We as humans can abstain from many luxuries in life. We can live without the need for console games, mobile gadgets, luxury cars and branded cotton.

We cannot live without water, the sun, basic food – carbohydrate and protein, electricity (to a certain extend).

Every day we face Death in the face, but Death just walks by. This is because it is not our time yet.

But when Death decides one day, it's our day – it might be all too late.

We take money, love, sloth, kindness, friendships, jobs and convenience – all for granted.

If everyone could follow Death in to his darkness, and be given the chance to come back to this haven, everyone will be a better person.

Don't assume when you wake up, the job will be there waiting for you.

Don't be surprise to wake up one morning, to discover your loved ones have walked out on you.

Don't turn your back on your friends, those who deserve to be called friend (not the ones who are superficially there) to realise you thrown that friendship away.

We have to convince ourselves that we love to wake up, head to work.

We have to shout out loud and express the love we have for the ones who stood by us.

We have to stop every once in a while, reflect back and realise we have it.

What you may ask me? Most of us have lives, where others only dream of.

Abstain from the greed.

Abstain from jealousy.

Abstain from sloth.

Abstain from screaming our lungs out at the next person.

Abstain from infidelity.

Abstain from anger.

Abstain from hatred.

We have many things to abstain from. It all depends on what and which part we want to improve on.

Dealing With Disappointment

We have been told countless times that life is filled with disappointment and sadness, which probably no one really comprehends. We adapt to the disappointment surrounding us, we learn from the sadness that overwhelms us. Some people deal with anger, disappointment, and sadness through tears; while some laugh it off. There a few handful who prefer to suffer in silence and place the blame on ourselves. After some level of rationalisation, we come to terms that we did our best and it wasn't really out mistake to begin with.

That's when the demons come out to play.

After self-blaming, the fingers rotate in a wild 360 degrees and find the closest person to blame. Are we that inferior that we blame the next innocent person? Or are we just fighting the demons from consuming our fragile soul? Ideally, we have to step back and "zone" out for a few days. The demons will eventually tire out. We would eventually be the rational and practical person, we once were. Do we forbid the demons from resurfacing, or do we change who we are? I, for one, like ourselves the way we are – vulnerable only to our weakness, yet strong in appearance.

Flavoured Coffee

You Are Mocha Iced Coffee

You are bold and confident.

You enjoy taking risks, especially when the rewards are great.

For you, there's nothing better than the taste of sweet success.

You crave power. You have a dominant personality, and most people are drawn to your strengths.

You are very creative and inventive.

You follow your passions, and they rarely lead you astray.

The Fifth Day of The Week

I myself am tired of saying this, but its' Friday once again.

Fear overcomes and sweeps over me.

I am more afraid of missing my heart over Yellow.

Hate referring to him as Yellow, but I can't seem to type his name without the feeling my heart fell 15 levels.

Chasing Harry Winston

A monogamist committed to whoring her life.

The serial dater, committing her life to monogamy.

A perfect life, with the perfect companion - commitment stricken.

The book is wrapped into one person's life. Mine - without the perfect companion.

The Feelings Like This

“There’s one minute of the day, I would leave this man just to occupy one minutes of your day, Just to occupy one minute of your day, Just to sleep underneath your bed, Just to stay in the corner of your eyes”

If Today's Feeling Lasted

Starting work at the dawn of the morning brings much joy. The office remains empty till 8.30am, where there is an hour and a half to chill back. Today, instead of a leap of heart, my faith leap bounds for a single prayer. Moving up and down the corridor doesn’t seem to have that calming effect. Walking up and down the pathway can’t keep me smiling.

9.00am was when I came back in the office. Nothing has changed since then. Nothing. Not a person extra on the side of my floor. The leap of faith crumbles and deteriorates within 15 minutes. The remainder of the day belongs to the dark and twisted side.

Every time I stood, there was indeed someone missing. The feeling crept slowly, consuming every last bit of energy I had in me. Never thought that the exhaustion I faced today ever existed. It broke my soul, my mind and my emotions. Work became a drag, which I have never felt before. There was a massive lack of motivation and inspiration to continue. All I wanted was to cry my energy out.

If this feeling lasted, I could lose it.

If this feeling lasted, I could cripple once.

If this feeling lasted, I would cripple twice.

If this feeling lasted, I am a crippled.

8.30am to 5.30pm Officially

From the moment people walk in the office, there is so much going on. The things, the actions and the words exchanged are countless. Some regarding how they spent the weekend, how the traffic was a stand-still. Some politicking about the boss that called them at 12am, some about their personal lives, and some about the people they work with.

There is so much one could learn from all the talk that occurs on Monday morning to Friday evening. Some bosses walking in and out frantically of the meeting room (which is ideally in front of me), some other bosses instructing the preparers and reviewers to get started on the work at hand, some colleagues talking about the weekend holiday.

Having the ability to hear is a blessing all together. However, having the ability to pick up words and sounds from across the group seating could prove a heavy price to pay. The ears hurt, the mind hurts even more. At times, the mind and the heart panic for the care of a person.

I could get a headphone and shut the noise out that would last for approximately 15 minutes. For the remaining 7hours and 45 minutes, there is so many topics to hear, the sucking sounds of the vacuum cleaner, the pounding on the glass door, the laugher which fills the air.

I am still sitting at the cross-roads of talk. I hear, I reject. There are times where some words mean more than I wish to be true. Those words get stuck in my head.

Different People

I probably have boast that I know people well, even sometimes better than they know themselves. The truth is, I could be so wrong at times. The more I find out about some people - sets our relationship a step back.

I've just realise, that despite the smile you have, you are a much more bitter person than I am. You portray yourself as someone with no problems, but you have a hill full pf problems. You are more troubled than I am. The more I find out, the more remorse I get.

I seem to be all things money, and you despise money. We're totally from different worlds.

My question to you - why do you continue the "play" that you are content with life? Why do you insist on making people happy, while you suffer in silence? Certainly, this doesn't prove one weak. Are you pressured to maintain status quo?

If I could find a way to talk to you, I would tell you to bleed your heart out of all the misery you seem to hold close to your heart. I'm a bitter person, therefore I would understand.

The affection is turning into pity.

Why do we insist on smiling? Why do we continue to express our self in the best and misunderstood way, so that the truth is there, but it is sugar coated? Aren't you tired of nodding yes?

Freaking Out

Saw you walked in the room, thought I try talking to you. But half of the time, I am way too freaked out to even be in the same proximity with you. Freaked out in the photocopier room. Freaked out when you walked pass me while I was typing. Freaked out when we glanced across the corridor. The first step to say "hi" is the toughest. I can say many things, to many people - but way too afraid to turn to notice you. I noticed that pale shirt you had on.

I'm trying to burn the candle out and I think I would be alright. I feel invincible, you know you seem invincible to me. Do you glance at everyone, the way I think you do?

And tomorrow is Friday once again.

What’s going on? Puzzled myself.

Have you ever constantly feel exhausted physically and mentally, but emotionally you know that you cannot give up? It’s like my brains is telling me to slow it down and take a break, but emotionally I feel its violating everything my mind believes in. Even right now, I am pretty much dozing off.

And as of 2.47pm, I just went through a doze of brutal embarrassing mortification. Hello...how can people not here me on the phone? Do they expect me to scream my lungs out for them. They either have to change their phones or clean out their ears. Do they think I am in a open field where I can voice and vent my frustration on top of my lungs? NO. I am in the freaking office. OFFICE, I repeat. Ok...this is a form of venting my anger towards that client - appororiately nicknamed "deaf one".

Breathe breathe breathe. BREATHE. BREATHE BREATHE.

Don’t really give a damn if I shall feel like a blonde by whining away and away. I don't care.

Ok...Joey, let it go.

Path of Time

Some path of time. It took me back two years, to have a slight glimpse of your previous life.

Then it hit me, and I raced to check my blog. My blog feels totally air headed. You are so focused on life, and take things so seriously, while I nag and whine on blogspot. I am doing that right now.

You present yourself to be so calm, and carry your emotions well. While I have my emotions in check in presentation, it is all over the place inside, sucking at me. You learn from life's lesson, I vent my anger and hatred for others. I feel like a brunette, whom just bleached my hair blonde. I know I was complicating and I knew you were complicating to an extent, but your complexity blows me out of the water.

The massive infatuation which has overcome me the past month, is starting to subside. But somewhat I feel your pain and your frustration, sadness and I wish I could help pick the pieces up for you. I may have never felt the depth which you feel, but certainly I know what it is like to have a broken heart. Your fingers bleed along with your heart, when you have to pick yourself up.

I wished I said something today, when I had the opportunity to. You're right, the first step is the toughest move of all. We fear we will fail, but fail to see if we shall succeed. But undoubtedly, you were not your usual self. There was the feeling that your world just crumbled once again, before it had the change to build the foundations.

There are so many paths in life, but ours seem to cross - consciously or sub-consciously. If I could, I would place my palm on your chest to calm the beat. If I could, I would place you hand in mine, to let you know I will always be there if you needed me.

I shall let there be silence, while you voice your opinion. Tears shall form while you convey your feeling. I feel your pain so much now. I never knew the real you. I said I'm noticing, but I never saw you for you. I saw the glimpse of you today. For over a month, I saw only the painted-happy exterior, which you portrayed. If you insist on that portrayal, I shall be your tears. If you choose to be the tears, I shall remain strong for you and I.

I cannot think of a way to show you my understanding in reality. Hopefully you shall come to know that I understand the way you feel. A somber colour in your memory.

jY

3rd August 2009

No time to think of any other "creative" names for my blog title.

7.10am - Change whatever was required by my senior

8.30am - All the "MC" emails start flooding my inbox

8.40am - I hear the annoying laughter, the terrible cough and the crinkle of breakfast

9.00am - Hallucination started and the loitering began

12.30pm - Lunch, "made used" by friend to submit paper for leave

1.40pm - Start on abstract work once again.

2.30pm - PANIC, where is my lost tax file copy?

2.40pm - Can I actually take on another tax computation right now?

4.30pm - Shocked that he stopped at my table to wait for the meeting room

4.40pm - Illness kicked in with fluctuations of hot and cold and nausea

4.50pm - The mood seems a little more somber than before, ending with "Thank you, Mr. Goh"

5.15pm - Vocally voiced out that he was not in a good mood - neither was I

5.30pm - But thought of a way to "buy" time

6.15pm - Packed up within 3 min, and left - why that time?

6.20pm - Sub-consciously I did not walk to my car like always

6.25pm - Walked in the booth the cash my ticket out

6.25pm - (5 seconds later) That unmistakable blue shirt

6.25pm - (30 seconds later) Walked out the door and sped to my car

6.30pm - Dawned on me that I should have said something. SOMETHING.

7.40pm - To Yellow: You are arrogant. You're also arrogantly gorgeous.

Friday Friday

Here comes Friday again. I have even more reason to hate Friday - since I have to be either working or studying on Saturday's.

I have no time to open up my file to even look through anything and the exam is in October.

My heart is on collision course every weekday, while my life is on a collision course to hell.

I am way to engrossed with him, but at the same time I don't dare make a connection or even acknowledge his existence. Every morning, I waste 15 over minutes picking out what to wear.

Every morning, I debate if I should blow dry my hair. Everyday I hope I get the opportunity to speak up. I doubt he even knows I bloody hell exist.

Literally taking my breath away.

Bleach Me

I hate the fact my brother used to or still likes Bleach (that freaking Japanese stuff).

And I find out, my "worst" fear, when I stumbled upon the fact he likes Bleach.

*eyes rolling* *rolling again*

So many things I want to say. So little time to do it. I am suppose to be working now. Pronto.

Perhaps I know him, better than he knows himself. I totally said he would wear this yellow favourite shirt, and i was ON THE MONEY.

j o e Y

No Utter Respect

Work barely kills me, it barely makes me bleed. It just makes me whine.

But people with an accusative tone - that I can't stand.

Yes, I am temporarily pissed.

But more importantly - I have seem to misplace my total and utter respect for you.

Hmm, let me ponder on it, and keep on searching.

Maybe that respect is in the corner of my handbag.

Opps....guess what. It's freaking GONE.

I am not a big fan of "forgive and forget".

Forgive - I might.

Forget - I never.


I really want to smear your name here, but I am rather ethical unfortunately to save your bloody name.

I wish you know I feel this way for you.


YOU FRIED UP YOUR OWN RESPECT. YOU FILTHY PIECE OF RETARD.

Check my name out, read about yourself.

j o e Y
The one mask I'll never reveal.

Telling Myself

I hate to tell myself this when I usually never believe in such things. But but but, this is almost like fate. There are so so many thing intertwined to be similar, and yet again he proves me right. Maybe it is just God whom proved me right.

Freaking the hell outta me - literally.

Dear God, five me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.

WAIT WAIT WAIT.

It should be "Dear God, give me some strength to stop avoiding his look or presence".

And what the hell am I doing..............first, it started out with the Malay dude, then I chatted casually with the Indian dude and today I grasp on his group seems to be growing - my latest accomplishment is to basically "chat" to his closest senior. Ok......and I trying to establish a freaking relationship with the whole group before I move in, on to him?

I hated it - everytime I stood up. Every time I stand, I see a blank screen. Every time, I glance at the glass for a reflection - I see someone else.

This freaking infatuation is making me a freak. If only emotions were so simple to control, I would cork all my feelings up like in a bottle and toss it.

Back to more sane issues - trying to decide on where my focus should be:-

i) BMW 3 series (E90 or E92)

ii) Volkswagen Golf GTi

Setting the target for cars a bit tooooooooo high at the current stage.

At the same time, the target for my career has bumped up slightly as well.

It's a good motivation. =)

jY

This Is OBESSED - A Whole New Level

1 pale yellow

1 pale beige

1 pale lavender

1 pale green

1 pale grey

You're so bright or pale.

2 white

1 yellow

1 pale yellow

1 fushia

1 grey

1 blue

5 black

I'm still dark and gloomy.

Be my yang, while I can be your yin.

I need to sleep. But I am here thinking thinking and thinking. Thinking of nothing at all.

Just listening to music. The genre is folk.

From rock and pop, I moved to pop and alternative. Then it became pop and electronica. Now it is moving towards folk.

I have alternative, alternative rock, blues, brit pop, celtic, classical, country, dance, electronic, electronica, indie rock, instrumental, rock, rock-pop, techno, trance and world.

What the hell is "world"?

One heck of a weird playlist.

Wish That I Never Should Have Wished

The Facebook wish was a freaking dumb ass wish.

Now I wish I never wished for that.

Note to self AGAIN: Stop visiting Facebook for one freaking person...I meant "reason".

Fear Tomorrow

This is getting painfully annoying. It's like one shocker after the next. So right now, I am going "what should I expect tomorrow". Why do you never never never seem to fail me, one week after the next?

I am going to pray that I remain sane tomorrow. I somewhat doubt my "gentle" and "vocal" reaction. It's going to be another OMG OMG OMG day.

You seem to the a jigsaw I can't put together. Hot and cold, all mixed into one.

And I am infatuated beyond words.

Earlier and earlier

I can't be that obsessed with everything........well, I am sure obsessed with work.

It used to be 8.00 am where I would walk in.
Then it became 7.45 am.
It moved sligtly to 7.30 am.
Earlier this week the time moved to 7.15 am.
Today it was clocked in at 7.03 am.

Please Stop Caring

Talking to my own pathetic self AGAIN. I am telling myself that I need to stop talking, but yet I continue doing it. I need to stop caring so much for people I don't even know - namely Yellow. I can't think properly whenever you freaking "cough cough". I can't. I have this urge to just beg you to rest or maybe get some medication. I stuff my ears with the earphone, but yet I can still hear you talking away.

It nearly broke heart. It disturbed my mind - that's for sure. I can't bear it to hear you cough.
I also can't bear to hear you talk and laugh. It is so darn annoying. But I find it so annoyingly attractive.

Come on. Update your Facebook. I barely know anything lately. Need to hypnotize you: You love Facebook to a good extent.

I barely know you. I barely know you. This is the medication talking.

"asdrythfddertyuiknbvsAXCGTUIKSDYThoiuytfcx"

That was the fall on the keyboard. So tired. So exhausted.

Who Thought?

Who would have thought I would be affect by this simple comment?

"I see you have eye bags, previously you did not have them"

FREEZE TIME !!! What you mean? Over the weekend which I barely did anything, you are saying I have eye bags. Shit.

I am not concerned at all. Not concerned.

Play That One More Time

I swear, if you ever try that trick ever again,

It will be ever again before I can forgive you.

Don't test my temper, which is notorious,

I might shove it off today, but not another.

Try me. You will forever be remembered as the one who screwed up.

18th Day

For the 18th day,

How could I have missed you the past 21 days?

Staying later and later barely becomes an issue,

With the excuse of work and roads being block,

The excuses are really excuses,

It is just to continue gazing at you.

On the 17th day,

I apologize for sprinting out the door

But I noticed you on the right corner of my eye,

Your pale shirt,

I sprinted back after dinner,

But you were no longer there.

Most of my actions have you in mind,

Who I speak to, what I say.

It's unlikely we will ever be friends. Ever.

joeY

On My Radar

Britney's latest song (or so I thought it was the latest), she sings.....

Confidence is a must
Cockiness is a plus
Edginess is a rush
Edges (I like 'em rough)
A man with a Midas touch
Intoxicate me, I'm a lush
Stop you're making me blush
People are looking at us

When you walk (when you walk) and when you talk (when you talk)
I get the tingle, I wanna mingle, that's what I want (that's what I want)
Hey, listen, baby, turn up the fader.. try to make you understand you're on my radar

Interesting sense of style
Ten million dollar smile
Think I can't handle that
Animal in the sack
His eyes see right to my soul
I surrender self-control
Catch me looking again
Falling right into my plan..

I got my eye on you... and I cant let you get away...

Hey baby whether it's now or later (I've got you)

You can't shake me (no)
Cause I got you on my radar
Whether you like it or not, it ain't gonna stop
Cause I got you on my radar (I've got you)
Cause I got you on my radar

Sounds a little familiar, the way I check him out. I need a new plan. A plan which can be executed ASAP.

joeY

Indecisive

I can't seem to stand people with no real back bone of their own. If you want something, please fight for it. Don't let it slip, slip and continue slipping. I am so fed up of people who continue saying yes, yes, yes.

You Never Fail To Surprise

You were missing on Monday, and Monday became a depressing "blue" day.

I heard you cough on Tuesday, and the first thought was that you are still ill,

It was comforting to know you were around.

You speak with an odd accent

Neither sounding Chinese, Indian, Malay, British, nor a Malaysian.

You laugh with such obnoxious snips

All those things reassure me you are around – which provides me a smile for the day.

30 minutes have passed,

I don’t see the beautiful lock of hair, which I have come to admire.

It’s because that lock has been sliced and trimmed to the lowest point possible,

I had to stop to believe what I was looking at.

I had to make sure it was you.

But that unmistakeable yellow shirt which you have on, just clarified the view,

My dreams of running my fingers through your hair just snapped.

Why, how, when, what – those ran through my mind

The wallpaper has changed. You never fail to surprise me.

And I convinced myself that I was bored of you.

You, you – proved me wrong.

Flawed Plan

My shirt was stained with coffee, just BEFORE I left the house. Therefore, that prompted me to head for a change in clothes. Therefore, pushing my target behind by 5 minutes.

The number of cars MASSIVELY increased by the time I got out. I did one of the most horrible thing to other people. I queued up on a "non-existence" second lane (where there was ONLY one (1) lane). It also started to get back logged on the roads.

The "dude" in front of me was so so so SLOW. When I parked, the first thought was "Since I am so late now, I will never get to see the BMW guy (he was not in the car anymore)". Therefore, I might as well hurry out of the car and get to the office, since I was so "late" already.

There it went - the sound of the car. It was the BMW guy, who came back. Surprisingly, he was tall (yes) and freaking good looking (Okay, so what if that was the BMW status talking).

And who was I to think my plan had a flaw.

jY

Gifted Gift

Need I say more with silver thrown in the equation?

I love silver. I love the shape. It's so understated.

Not heartbroken

Hello.....do I sound like a person who has been heartbroken?

Clearly NOT !

More like someone who has been slowly piecing back the pieces.

Give me a break.

Please don't pretend to ask me out by asking if I was dating at that current moment.

I have told you, I am not dating anyone.

Need a shower NOW....before I burst into a ball of flames.

The True Me (based on blogthings)

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Stop Walking

Stop walking when I am there, or when I am planning to walk. I can't face you. It's already so difficult to look at you - because you are so gorgeous. Now I have to time my printing.

Stop standing up when I am with my flip-flop or barefooted.

Holy shit. I know I am going to get bored of you soon. I need my jigsaw puzzle. I need my inspiration to head to work at 7.00am and leave at 8.00pm. Or to head back during weekends.

I could only see the beauty you possess last week.

This week, I noticed the flaws. The way you walk. The way your clothes hang. The resonance of your voice doesn't impress me yet.

The worst part - you know I have been admiring you out the corner of my eye. We have been parallel more times today than the last 4 weeks.