My best friend cooed that she was proud to have a successful career focused friend. My only reply is that it tires me at times to be on the fast track. She goes on saying that I am the only one (out of four of us) as of now to have everything I have hoped for, in regards to a career life. It is indeed a tiring process to maintain that train on that specific rail. At times, it feels like the train could swerve out of line, at any moment.
She continues the admiration, while I continue the self-destructive embarrassment. Despite being career focused, I do admit that at times I wish I was a little less rigid in my target and plans. I have a schedule for everything in life - where nothing becomes spontaneous in life. My biggest woe is the fact I don't have a love life. In fact, it looks bleak. My social life has been on a crawl back to some hope of life, with my closest friends coming back.
Indeed life is tough on everyone. It becomes slightly tougher when I prefer to surround myself with a few close friends, whom I really care for - instead of the unusual 300 friends on Facebook. That seems a little superficial for me. I enjoy the afternoon talks, where the discussion is open about the past, present and future - no issue left unanswered, unturned. I do miss my closest friends all the time. I can't pretend to be one of those whom can make "fast friends" and dump them a few months down. Its wrong on so many levels.
I love the work I do. It might have a set of problems attached at the hip, but the problems are minor. Friday was a hurricane for me. It started out slow, slow slow - slow till the point where I can be sick about it. After lunch, I felt miserable as a whole person, as a friend, as an employee. My emotions were high strung, and all over the place. I lost it on Friday. Was I worried about something? I doubt it. Towards the last 2 hours, it became a typhoon of problems where a client posed a really silly, but relevant question. It made me feel stupid, when I could not provide him an answer. This followed on with a mistake I made in relation to my leave application. How silly I felt to miss that out. The world around and inside me was falling apart. When everything was done, I felt like a total useless piece of paper. I was that crushed blank sheet of paper, with no emotions attached to it.It broke my spirit.
Waking late on Saturday morning after an enjoyable night did not help. The "hangover of headache" did not help my reckless emotions. I consumed not one ounce of alcohol the night before as I was already to tired. This weekend somehow turned out better than expected. My best friend was around to reassure me, that my life was intact - the way it was suppose to. Confident people sometimes do succumb to peer pressure and the pressure at work. My only outlet is to panic in the height of the moment. When I panic, my vocal throat blocks up with a lump - nauseating. I tell myself to breathe, but it is always easier said then done.
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