Glow of happiness

 Was it that evident that I was so happy? One of the first questions I was asked was “Why am I so happy yesterday?”.  My reply was subtle, replying “We are a happy bunch of people, after all I am not the only one that happy. There are three other people”. That was it then. It became even evident that everyone was staring and envying our team work. Swapping places and more laughter was all part of the process. The conversation our table had were so amusingly funny where it ranged from being in a relationship, cars, football, bosses, colleagues plus a little of work.

It was tea time for us, but I had to run and get something done up, as such I returned late and ended up hanging out at my colleagues table, where they were all seated. Once again, this topic about happiness came into play and I relentlessly said “We are happy people”. Some were of the opinion that the happiness was more than just being happy. The question about progression came up, but I’ll never know what the question was intended for. My colleagues asked if I noticed anyone laughed like as though that person was out of breath. Naturally, I said “No. Who laughs like that?”. Well, it turns out to be the guy sitting next to me (after the swap of place – Person A). I never noticed that his laugher sounded very tortured. Or perhaps I choose not to notice? It was adorable that they were staring to think that I was being happy for more than just being a happy bunch. Shrugging it off, I walked in and sat down. What a total 180 degrees. The mood surrounding us, turned so sombre. The laughter had died.

Over the course of an hour, the life of the party set into gear once more.  Lunch time was at 12.30pm and I had (well, was suppose to) amend something, but I found myself stuck with two of the funniest and fun filled colleagues. They bombarded me with all the questions regarding Person A and somehow or rather manage to drag another guy (Person B) into the picture. The provided me their feedback and voted that I should be with the Person B, who was from our group and had a more toned down ego. But I told them, I would any day pick Person A, as he is so funny and I would prefer someone funny over someone who is slightly boring. Let me go already, my love life cannot afford to have any more hand prints on it.

Oh man, I never noticed how happy I was, and suddenly I felt all the greened eyed people staring in envy.

The interesting part was when I had suddenly laughed; Person A asked me why I had suddenly burst into a ball of laughter. I motioned to my colleague across the room and Person A replied this “This is long distance relationship, so far away but still communicating”. I was taken aback. Over time, again my colleague asked if I was doing ok with our assigned work, and again Person A noticed this by saying “You see, he is caring as he asked you if you are doing okay”. We continued talking about work and how we felt about our work commitments and stuff. My group member was quick to make the comment that we were having a heart to heart talk. I never noticed we were so intense in our talks, it just felt so natural talking about everything – with no emotional baggage and emotional tingles.

Surely, today had been a brilliant day. More than brilliant, it is an awesome picture of memory to be framed up. I never noticed he was so funny all this while, or so easy going. He portrayed a stuck up person, whom everyone should stay as far as possible from. Sleeping a happier sleep will not be an issue today. 

What Kind of Drug Would I Be?

Cocaine fueled 

You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you.

Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party.
Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid!

At your best: You're confident, euphoric, and feel like you're on top of the world.
What people like about being around you: You're intense and overpowering.

What people dislike about being around you: You can be arrogant... and a bit of a jerk.
How addicted people get to you: Incredibly addictive. And hanging around with you isn't cheap!

Shut my eyes tight and feel the tear

While one aspect of my life prospers, the other sinks lower and lower in to submission. There are fine lines all over the back on my forehead, wondering if I have to pick a choice in my life. I adore my dreams and ambition, but I dream of possibly having someone there for me and vice versa. Will I settle for second best ? It pains me inside to settle. Perhaps it was fate which lead me to finding out, what I should know before pouring my aspirations fully into someone I barely know.  

When things were simpler

Things were simpler when I could not get my hands on what was damaging to me. Things remain simple, no emotions involved, no tears involved, no drama involved, no jealously involved. Things remained simply platonic. Now there is so much baggage to think about- your hesitation, my hesitation and the backlash my mind and soul would give me. I enjoy the thrill it gives me, however I cringe on the fact that my mind eats me up, telling me to make a decision and stop where I am right now. I made a choice, but I backed down and let that slip. That choice was the one hope for normalcy in my life. Now, by hanging in the balance between both my futures - which are truly the opposite ends of one another, I need to make a choice. 

Do I walk away? 

Can I walk away?

My mind tells me I should. My heart tells me I can but will suffer. My soul is crippling at the fact that I am not strong enough to make a choice. 

At 10.50pm - mind, emotions and soul - I can and should walk away before I became the carcass I have always been. It will be brutal. If I walk, the tears nor contacts will neither stop.

Vent and tears

I am not happy, that you're happy. Clearly, I should find my footing away from where I am constantly at. I truly hate where I am at this point. I neither feel here nor there. But I feel my emotions scattered. I knew this would happen, but I could not resist the temptations. I'm always there, but never should be there. I wish I could rip myself out of everyone's life. I so wanna curl up and cry. I promised not to get tangled. But I broke my own rule. What is wrong with me? At times I feel the constant choke, but at times I feel the need for constant attention.


I want to tear up. Sometimes my heart don't match my mouth. 

Latest obsession

My latest obsession might just blow a large hole in my bank balance. But I truly feel that I am ready to own and purchases the handbag from Balenciaga. 


Clearly, the bag is not available in Singapore and Thailand. Therefore, my next option is to check out the store in Hong Kong. Weep weep. 


My fear: If Hong Kong doesn't have any inventory on it, my next best option is to purchase it online from the UK website - costing me a cool GBP875. 


And to make matter slightly more complicated, Balenciaga does not have the colour in the US (USD1,495). Therefore, no way I can purchase and send it back to Malaysia via whatever online shopping option. 

Pick a choice

How can you love someone,

When you secretly want someone else ?

Do you choose the one who makes you happy,

Or the one whom you trust more ?

To choose the one you think you love,

Or the one whom you think you still love ?

Choose the one who treats you like a royalty,

Or the one who treats you like their other half ?

Do you want someone who promises you your dreams,

But don’t seem to do anything ?,

Or the one who promises your dreams,

And work hard for it ?

Love was simpler back then

Love ? (Defined by me)

How many times have you heard me say ‘I love you” ?,

The numbers seem to appear countless as time passes,

But you will never understand how much I mean it,

I would swear on my life that I love you more than life,

I don’t want to love you just because you are another pretty boy,

I don’t want to love you so that you can buy the universe for me,

I don’t want to love you so that I pass my time by having you entertain,

I don’t want to love you just because you manage to use your wit to impress,

I want to love you for the funny jokes you crack up, which brightens my day,

I want to love you for the lessons in life which you are able to teach me,

I want tot love you for the countless emotional support you give,

I want to love you for who and what you make me when I am with you,

I want to love you for who you are. 

Back again

I Believed

I believed in you,

I believed in your words,

I believed in your vision,

I believed in your understanding,

I believed in your care,

I BELIEVED in your love,

Where are you now?

Where are your truths?

Where are your thoughts?

Where is your understanding?

Where is your compassion?

Where is your love?

Hurt

Do you know what hurts ?

It is to watch you fade away further and further from me,

It was to endure the pain of loving and caring for you,

It was to feel the already fragile heart be broken again,

It is to still pray for your well being although you are so far,

It is to hold out my hand but get in return the hands of so many but you,

It was the crying silently at night all by myself,

It is you who made my life ruins again, my loved one.

I am only trying to keep myself strong for you,

But I am constantly breaking because of what you do,

Am I afraid to let go ?,

Yes, I am,

Am I afraid of staying on ?

Yes, I am,

Please help me through this,

Don’t let my only crime loving you,

This relationship doesn’t involve u alone…it involves both of us…

Would I ?

Will I still be standing across the grave screaming your name?

When you leave the world behind,

Will I still visit you every month even when you can’t hear me?

Will I be able to sleep through the nights without you there?

I will still close my eyes and remember you there like it was yesterday.

Is it too late for me to look you in the eye?

And tell you that I need and love you,

As I always have.

Saying Goodbye

My name is Alexis. Who am I? I am just another love victim of the case of the ‘perfect relationship that failed’. The love of my life is named Derek or so I thought he was. He unceremoniously dumped me. I believed we were doing fine, but he tells me one day that he cannot stay in the relationship due to some unforeseen circumstances. What would was so unforeseen? Don’t freak me out. Well, this has to end.

End it did. We remained friends, for the next few years. The few years were good. He called to say hi and to consult me on some problems he faced. At least I still existed in his life. In June 2007, that was the last I heard from him. I tried my best to send my greetings to him in 2008, but it failed with no avail.

He was just another guy, another jerk more like it. Who said saying goodbye was just an expression to say farewell and we shall meet again? It should actually mean goodbye, I wish you well and farewell, period.

I shall carry the flower for one last day and after that day is up, it shall be left to float on

Lys River. The flower represents my love, which I have kept preserved all this years in an undying devotion of love and patience. There is this reluctant feeling to drop the flower. There are tears which follow soon after. The drops trickle down my checks, down the river.

Love, A

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go”

From back then

Would You? I Would

Would you want me to appreciate the different cuisines u enjoy?,

I would try to enjoy it with you,

Would you want me to pick out a shirt in your favourite colour?,

I would pick and choose a colour which suits you the best,

Would you want me to choose the right drink?

I would want to share your favourite drink with you,

Would you want to return home from office, finding the dishes you enjoy?,

I would probably bring it over to your office suite,

Would you want a massage when you are tired?,

I would get you more than that,

Would you want us to live in the country of your choice?,

I would make the compromise when the time is right,

Would you want me to love you for eternity?,

I wouldn’t try to love you, as I already am in love with you.

Love One ?

Choose your friends wisely,

That was what we are told when we were younger,

Choose your love one precisely,

There could be no more turning back once you did,

However, even if they are gone,

Never give up hope on them,

As they might return to you,

But learn to move on with your life,

Sometimes, things are not meant to be the way we hope. 

Stabbed in the chest and betrayed

"Just beware", cautioned our family and friends. Perhaps they were right. Many times, we find so many people charming, charismatic and we feel instantly drawn to them for no apparent reasoning. These people might be the most deadly of them all. When we think we know them, they are the ones who are most capable of turning their backs against us and twist the knife so far deep that you bear not to live. There is always one of them around. It's so painful to feel betrayed. They promise you the earth, but they descend to hell, the moment you turn a blind eye. Do you believe them, when they say "I'll be away for the weekend", but fail to disclose their location? Or worst, the just bolt for the plane, with no remorse to inform anyone who cares.



On the other hand, I will ask myself if I were them, would I feel any pain or remorse for leaving. There can only be so many times where I tell you where I am. "I'll leave whenever I please". Surely, we feel like bugs. They have manipulated us into believing less in ourselves. Not everyone who claims you are their friend is truly your friend. Friends can change – faster than the leopard can pounce.


 

BMW - Joy is instant gratification

This is only for those who have excess of RM700k to spend on a car and for those who want to drool at cars that cost in excess of RM700k. First up is a new BMW X6 xDrive35i Performance Edition. You saw this model last week actually. There are only 25 units of the fully kitted up X6 here in Malaysia.

The 3.0 liter twin turbo engine of the stock xDrive35i model has been given an update that brings power up to the equivalent of the same engine’s tune in the 740i sold here in Malaysia. This means power is up to 326hp while torque gets a 50Nm boost to 450Nm – the equivalent of a 4.5 liter normally aspirated engine, while you enjoy lower fuel consumption and the cheaper road tax of a 3.0 liter. 0 to 100km/h takes just 6.5 seconds. I’d personally just call this baby the xDrive35is, since the same engine transformation turned the Z4 sDrive35i into an sDrive35is and the 335i into the 335is.

You can have your Performance Edition X6 in one of two colours – Alpine White or Titanium Silver Metallic. Mirror caps, window surrounds and exhaust tailpipes are finished in black (the window surrounds are Shadowline high gloss), contrasting with the lighter paintwork. The wheels are also Y-Spoke 20 inch alloys in black with staggered tyres. On the inside, you get Black Alcantara sports seats, Aluminium Flywheel Black interior trim, and a BMW Individual headliner in Anthracite. The finishing touch are M door sills and scuff plates as well as stainless steel pedals.

If you don’t fancy an SUV, you can always go for the screaming M3 Coupe Edition with that sweet 4.0 liter V8 that goes all the way over the 8,000rpm mark. The current generation M3 is probably going to be the only BMW to feature this sweet engine, as the next gen M3 is likely to go the way of the turbocharger. There was word that this V8 was to feature in a new Z4 M but BMW has since scrapped the Z4 M, leaving the flagship roadster to be the Z4 sDrive35i.

There are only two units of the M3 Coupe Edition here in Malaysia. One is Alpine White and the other is Monte Carlo Blue. The opening on the engine compartment lid and wing mirrors are finished in black and the BMW M3 signature kidney grille, the side gills and the dual tailpipes on the exhaust system all come in dark eloxy-plated chrome. Both the Alpine White and Monte Carlo Blue M3 Coupe Editions come with a lowered suspension (10mm drop) and 19-inch forged M light-alloy rims in double-spoke design in black.

The interior trim of the two cars are Carbon Structure Leather with white contrasting seams. The seats are finished in Black Novillo Leather with contrasting seams and vertical trim stripes on the upper section of the backrest and at the front of the leg rest. In the Alpine White unit, these features come in white whilst in the Monte Carlo Blue unit; it is matched with the car’s exterior colour. The Monte Carlo Blue unit gets armrests and door closing handles with blue contrasting seams, while the surfaces on the centre armrest, the centre console and the arm rests on the door panels are finished in White on the Alpine White unit. Both cars also showcase entry trim bars in Checkered Flag Design.

• BMW M3 Coupe Editions in Alpine White – RM748, 800
• BMW M3 Coupe Editions in Monte Carlo Blue – RM 758, 800
• BMW X6 xDrive35i Performance Edition (inclusive of a 3-years BMW Service + Repair Inclusive package) – RM718, 800

Sourced from www.paultan.org.

Spilt personality

"You may need to split the difference between your social life and your private life, though that may mean that nobody is perfectly satisfied. Just accept that you're in the middle for a while."

What could / would / should my horoscope mean by splitting the difference between my social life and private life? Have they been too much intertwined? It feels like being in the middle as it borderline touches both these worlds.

Nine Signs He's Cheating

Interesting piece of article. 

Nine Signs He's Cheating


When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating, be careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line — you don't want to make false accusations.


So, while I'm sharing this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your lover away.


Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:

Less Sex

Unless he's Superman, he can only have so much sex. So, if he's getting it from another source, you might notice. Whether it's another woman or a porn addiction — even if he's not cheating — a decrease in sex signals serious issues in the relationship.

Jumpy Cell Phone Habits

In a perfect world, we'd be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others. Most of the time, we trust that we don't have to worry about who is texting or calling them. But, if you notice that he is getting protective and/or nervous when he gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.

Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly

You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting? You want to tell the world about him.  One of my exes began talking about a guy a lot near the end of our relationship — he just always seemed to be at her social gatherings that I didn't happen to attend. Sure enough, after she dumped me, she began dating him.

Disconnect

Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you're sensing that he's drawing away from you, then there may be someone else.  Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it's caused by cheating. There's a problem if he's not laughing or seeming as passionate as usual. It's hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it's being given to someone else.

He's Pulling Houdinis
If he's disappearing, traveling, or unavailable to the point where you are starting to wonder, then he could be cheating. Also, these times tend to take on a pattern because it's tough to synch up schedules, especially in secret. Friends Acting Strange

His friends will certainly remain loyal to him in most cases. They will not let you know what's going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting his secret. 

Caught in Other Lies About Other Things

If you catch him in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged. Don't hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing.  You can forgive, but don't forget. If he consistently breaches your trust, it's establishing a pattern of behavior that leads to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don't let him talk his way back in.

Been There, Done That

I always say:  "Once a cheater, always a cheater." If he's done it before, he's definitely capable of doing it again. It has nothing to do with you, which is why you can't say that he cheated on his previous lover because she didn't keep him happy. Cheating is a self-serving act in which the cheater doesn't take his significant other into consideration. If someone is upfront with you that he's made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.

Your Gut Tells You So

Don't ignore your sixth sense. People are gifted at sensing when something doesn't feel right. Whether there are red flags in your relationship that are clueing you in or not, if something feels off, don't ignore this feeling. Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may have led to you figuring it all out.


Do you have any red flags that you'd add to this list? Would you say that you're generally good at figuring cheaters out, or do you seem to find yourself getting cheated on often? What sorts of behaviors do you think are characteristic of someone who could be a cheater? 


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Mixed Cocktail of Emotions

What would you do? Who do you pick? How do you know which aspect is right? Why did I choose to make this decision? When will it be the right time? Will I go blind till I cannot find the heart (myself) I gave to you?

Attention

Would you rather have one’s attention; or

Have the attention which is so scarcely available?

Ambition

Do you stand by your better half’s ambition; or

Have no ambition to support neither your dreams in life?

Independence

Wouldn’t it be to feel the comfort of knowing someone is interested in where you have been;

Or have your independence all together, with no sacrifice?

Presence

Can you hear your partner telling you that they love you every morning?

Or sometimes which they would be more around to say those words in person?

Passion

Could we continue loving and standing by the exhausting passion in one’s life?

Or be a long standing suffering other half who is too tired to argue and provide encouragement?

Support

Do you need someone to hold your hand while telling you its okay?

Or telling you over the phone that they promise to make up of lack of support?

Reasons of Attraction

You were just plain (seriously plain) good looking, but rather gorgeous in a way which is complicating to express. I noticed the little things soon after. The fact that you are such a neat person. Your table is cleaned down to the last piece of paper. Another trait I totally admire every morning before you come in. You reckon you are really funny, because you clearly laugh at your own jokes, but you are funny - most of the times. Your laughter is so annoying, but yet so charming.