Change

"Love is not controlled by gender.: People change. Feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart."

.....500 Days of Summer

Explaination

Apart of myself died, when I lost my friend on that gloomy mid November night. He had lost himself, by being consumed in the past and he paid for it with his life. My friend was the one person who knew me, better than anyone else. He made my days always shine slighty brighter. But I failed as a friend to see his pain. Our friendship did not save him from his death. My heart had been broken before, but not till this extent. I had sobbed the entire night, telling myself I had to let him go. I never told anyone bout my bleeding heart. I lost my humour in life, when life had not been kind to my friend and I. After a month, I have become bitter and cold. - No saint here -

Bitch slap

November had been a difficult month with the departure of my closest friend. I have missed him so much over the month, but yet i think of him more and more often. I cant help but to blame myself that I could have saved him from death. - No saint here -

Why do I feel uncertain about expressing my voice? Have things change so drastically that I can no longer recognise you? Or was it me who has changed? As my friend, tell me you would fight for me. I might need you to trade your life for me. - No saint here -

Housing my friendship

We took the time to reflect and decide if we wanted to build a house. A simple house would suffice. But as we aged, we laid the bricks by setting a strong foundation. The base had taken years to build but it was worth it. Once we decide it was time to expand, we carried out building and even connecting the dwellings. One day, you came back and told me of a horrid incident and I could see the facade tear. The connecting area left to ruins. There was a door shut tight on my house. I heard you knock, but I lay there crying. Soon you gave up, and closed your door at the end. The houses we built did not stand the test of time. We were not strong enough as individuals to commence the building. For now, I cannot allow myself to knock your door to see how you are. We have been torn to become different people. This is what our friendship has become. 

I realise I have changed your status. The change of status means nothing to you or the common man. It, however holds a special meaning to me. You just moved up the board of friends, taking my level of care and obsessive nature a up a notch. I will cling to you because you fed me my supply of attention. It is about to ruin your life, so you better run while you can. Don't end up being my assumement park. - No saint here -

I miss the days where I hope you are okay, I miss those times where I was be able to cry on your shoulders. Everything has changed over the past year, And you have been missed deeply, I showed you I cared, But my mistake was to care to much. I miss the way you laugh, the way you smile. All I see now is your eyes, those sad eyes. How I wish I was able to hold you to change that stare. I miss having you around. - No saint here -

I am fine

Yes, I am fine. 


F - Freaked out
I - Insecure
N - Nervous
E - Emotional


Source: http://makemestfu.com/

What are we?

I don’t know what we are. Sometimes I feel like we’re friends, sometimes I feel like we’re more than friends, but sometimes I feel like I’m just a stranger to you.

Back to...

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December, turn around and make it all right

I go back to December all the time.

Using me

Why did you have to pick me? Why did you use me? You said you did not intend for it to happen, but it feels like I was used. I have trouble keeping myself afloat, and now you weigh me down even further.

I know it was about time. I just knew it, and I was right. My senses seldom fail me.

You think I am a toy to be played with, to entertain your boredom. I might have been the toy once, but I grew into a human. Being human, I have emotions, feelings - I feel disappointed. I feel useless. I feel used.

I never told you I suffered because it wasn't worth your knowledge.

I am so tired of being your punching bag. You have beaten me up in so many ways - I cannot express. Am I a rag doll to you? You make me hate myself so much. You striped all my confidence away.

j o e Y

End

The day and nights I spend with you is all I can ask for. But as Sunday draws near, it is another week which goes by. The passing weeks draws my time with you to an end. You may not know it is the end, but our time together will come to an end. I hear the Siren calling out your name. Her voice hunts my dreams. Her presents instills fear within my soul. Without hesitation, I shall walk away. The intimacy we have will never be the same. I will collapse like a deck of cards and you can never build me the same way ever. I hurt you now, to save myself the pain later. I will not make you choose, as I can never win the war I was never winning.


j o e Y

Inspiration

What inspires me?

The broken pieces of my heart was what I had to pick up once. While they were scattered and shattered, I eventually mended my heart back. Even the scars aren't visible anymore these days. You made the days of sorrow turn around to smiles. You shielded my heart with your bare hands.

At times, my heart goes weak and feel the emotions which it should not be feeling, and yet it verges to shatter once more. This time my heart will break for you for you are the one who I worry for, who I care for, whom I want to keep safe. Instead of keeping you safe, I have brought you too close to myself.

You being you, and me not being able to have you inspires me. You inspire me more than you know you do. I'll never say it out loud, but there are so many things I do for you. 

Why not

Why not try to say it in simple terms?
Why not try to listen and follow up better?

Pay attention. I am trying to telling you that I missed you throughout the day.

Denial...

“The more we deny what we feel, the more we lose ourselves.”


Constant denial...........I am afraid of being turned away from. I deny what my heart feels, what my mind tells me, what I know, what I know will happen. 


You may be who I want, but not the person I need in my life.  

Waiting to here those words

Those words are not "I love you". It is the words that would make anyone stupid enough to devote so much of energy and time to someone else, and then that person goes back to the horrid life they used to have - feeling dumbfounded. 


Every time you have something to tell me, I brace myself for those words. I am driving myself mad and paranoid by letting her ruin my life. I keep thinking she is waiting for my happy episode to come up, and then she'll pounce and tear it all up. 


...This week itself I let my heart beat till it almost crashed. I know it will happen soon. It is a matter of time. 


It will leave me speechless and I will be gone - habouring and licking on the wounds created by both of you. I don't know how can we be friends when she comes back into my life, directly or indirectly. 

Thoughts of you

Why is it I continue thinking about you? I spoke to you the previous 2 days, but I cannot seems to get you off my mind. Its' like I want to hear from you and how you're doing. Perhaps it was because you loosened up so much, that the conversation became more than just work. I could actually talk to you without being all worried about what topic we might talk about. 


Honestly, a little disappointed at the last message you sent, where it was a simple thank you. Somehow I wanted a little more. 

How we wonder

At 21, we work on finishing our last year in university, and hope to scrap through those last few subjects and just pass. We don't want to be those who 'failed' to get out in the predetermined time frame. 


At 22, we sit back and tell ourselves, "Wow, I made it through those 3 years and at last I got my degree". So what? We go ahead looking for the job we want, on the way being super annoyingly picky about the job we want. 


By 23, we have been working on the job for a year now, and I hate it. So what do I do? I quit. I find another job which I supposedly love. ---> Liars. 


On the way, we continue screwing up our lives by hating our jobs, having irrelevant fights with the boyfriend or girlfriend, making up, bitching about the bosses at work and breaking up for good. 

What else is there to say?

How is it that today feel really weird out? Somehow there is this "too close, too soon" issue which is driving me nuts. I am having the classic freak out moment right now, where I feel I could just lose myself. 


But at the same time, I want it, but I am afraid of so many issues. Things are great, but that is what I love. Things just being great. I don't want anymore nor any less. Am I making any sense here? I just love this status quo, which I have. Today was somewhat overkill for me. 


I am losing myself again. I am going freaky out and can't even comprehend myself and my jibbery. 

Temptation

I am so tempted to be a bitch and snipe at someone. At this point of time, I don't care how I used to feel for that person but I just want to snap (and snap and snap and SNAP) at them. 


Temptation - an act that looks appealing to an individual. All it does is looks appealing. 
Do we or can we actually be the way we appeal to be? 


Repercussions - often indirect effect, influence or result that is produced by an event or action. 
There are massive repercussions to think about should I carry out the temptation.


Wounds - an injury to the feelings
The repercussions of that temptation could end up wounding many individuals, myself included. 


Silence - the condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent
As an avoidance to the wounds caused by the repercussions of being tempted, we have the option to forever hold our peace by keeping our silence. 

Upset

I am upset till the point where I feel like crying.............

Forgiveness

Next to me

You have my heart on my hand, and constantly play with it, and I constantly let you toy around with me.

In the memory of ...... ... .... ...

Smiling, Adele said "You know me too well". Dan smiled back and tugged a lock of her hair behind her ear, kissed her forehead and whispered "I want to continue knowing you the rest of my life". 


In that moment, that memory of Dan faded into the back drop of the graveyard. One hand against her chest, she tried to feel for her heartbeat. She was alive and well, her heart beating, but she knew that she no longer needed to live for her soul had been ripped out earlier that week. 


Dan had been the love of her life when he walked in 5 years ago. Adele wasn't looking for a relationship to blossom as she just had her heart broken 2 months ago, but being with Dan made her life perfect. She learnt to be herself with him, accepted people for who they are, acknowledging that we cannot go into a relationship changing people. Dan loved her for who and how she was, not with a perception to change and obtain her for himself.

To her friends, she could not stop gushing about Dan...I adore everything about Dan. He is the most amazing person, whom gives me the security and freedom which I crave. It doesn't hurt that he is good looking, well to do for himself, generous and that we love the same things. 


Ah, wait this is him calling me right now. 


"Hey, Dan. Where are you? Did you just begin work? Well, that's nice. I currently in class and pondering on where I should be heading for lunch. Seriously, you are too generous. You don't really have to do that for me. Okay, I'll speak to you tonight. Miss you."


"Okay guys, Dan mentioned that we could head over to that restaurant we mentioned and he'll pick up the tab. But I don't think that would be a good idea. Seriously guys, I like him for who he is, not because he is picking up my lunch tabs."


Every evening at 7pm, he'll call her without fail. No matter where he is, which state, which country he is - just to check up on if she has had her dinner. This evening was different. He asked how is it he never fails to call, but she has never called him once, and that it would be nice to know she cared with a simple phone call. It's true, Adele has not once picked up the phone to ring him. That moment of realisation was so important for she knew he loved her.....and that she did love him in return. 


The past years had been so beautiful till the wretched car accident. Both Dan and Adele had had the passion for fast cars and speed. This was the very reason they had begun noticing one another. When he purchased his car, the number he wanted to pick coincided with their birthday dates - 22 June and 23 June. It was always fun and games with Dan and Adele. They made it a promise to get their favorite cars and that the other person would be the first one in the car with them. 


The car accident had ripped Adele into pieces by losing the love she has always known. Adele came out lucky with injuries, but emotionally she was as much as a wreck as the car. She tried to pull Dan from the wreck, but all that she could do was to hold his hands while he inhaled and exhaled, what was to be his last breaths. 


"Dan, don't quit on me. I love you so much I cannot live without you. Oh god, please. Don't say another word, just hang on for us. Dan, Dan, answer me. Dan........don't you dare" 


He held on to her hand and said "Please be strong. I love you". That was all she heard and then silence overcame her. 


The emergency crew found her lying on the ground with her holding on to his hands. They thought they had recovered two bodies that night, until they tried to move Adele away but sensed that she was warm and that the injuries were still bleeding. Overhead, people were shouting "We got a bleeder. She's still breathing and alive Excuse me, miss, if you can hear me, we got to get you out of there to the hospital where you can be treated for your injuries sustained". 


Adele lay motionless but allowed herself to be carried away to the ambulance. She felt no pain nor the need to cry. However, as soon as she got the opportunity, she calmly was seeking the answers from the doctor with a question - "How is Dan doing?". It was a question in which she was clear on the answer. But she needed the answer to come from a medical practitioner. The doctor was left speechless for a moment to gain some composure. He hated the delivery of such news, but understood that Adele needed closure. "Adele, Dan did not make it". Calmly, Adele said "I understand, can I get some rest?". 


She lay in bed, eyes wide open but this time the tears formed underneath her eyes, rolling down the side of her eyes, dripping on to the pillow beneath her. Over the course of the few days, both her family and Dan's stopped by. Dan had always been close to his mother, and so was Adele. She was heartbroken that her only son did not make it. Adele felt that she was in no position to comfort her, but teared up whenever his mother was there. 


At the graveyard, Adele had donned her black dress with a single white rose in her hands. She had declined the invitation to provide an eulogy for Dan. She only opted to place the white rose on his coffin as symbol of their love. 


Lying on the pier, she cried and whispered "Dan, I love you, I'll love you always". Without any hesitation this round, she dipped her toes to feel the coolness of the water. At the blink of an eye, she found herself under the water fighting the gush of water flooding her lungs. All that was in her mind was that she would be with the person whom had truly loved her for her and she loving him in return. 


The tragedy of two lives for one could not live her life losing the person she regarded as her life. 

Jaya Noodle House for lunch and Italiannies for dinner

I went on muttering to my friend the previous night that I am determine to have my noodles from Jaya Noodle House @ Jaya One, Petaling Jaya and Italiannies @ The Gardens. I swore I would enjoy my meals and snap some pictures for his viewing. Somewhere, sometime today, I had my doubts that I would even make it to either of the eateries. Nevertheless being me, I made my way there. 


Jaya Noodle House @ Jaya One, Petaling Jaya


Picked out Noodles with two (2) meat combo - roasted duck and roast pork "siew yok". 

The portion took me by surprise. Years back (i.e. 4 years ago) where the restaurant was still located at Section 14, I highly doubt that the portion was so small. It surely has shrunk over the years, which the price remains a staggering RM7.90 for just noodles. 


Late afternoon


I remained dormant for the remainder of the day, just watching TV till I fell asleep. Around 4.30pm, I decide I should get read and prep to go out for dinner, but that was decided to surf the internet for another 45 minutes before actually heading to the shower. Prep, prep, prepped - finally I got ready at 6pm. After much lingering, I finally made it down at 6.15pm. During that long shower, I made a mental note that I should get a table booked for dinner, since I hate the possible queue. 


We called them, and was told that the place was FULLY BOOKED. Kidding me right? How can it possibly be fully book at 6.30pm? The waitress decided to play nice and get a pending booking made for me, on condition I should reach within 15 minutes. Phew, good thing I was already in the car and reaching the mall. 


Italiannies @ The Gardens


Good thing I made some reservation - there was a long queue at the restaurant. Sick. Let me move on to my menu and choice of food. 


Choice of food
1. Quattro Platter;
2. Spinach and artichoke formaggio;
3. Smoked salmon pizza; 
4. Seafood risotto; and
5. Island breeze drink. 

McDonald fries from Thailand

That is one large, I meant extra large fries from McDonald's Thailand. You would never believe how much I paid for that extra large fries - 28 Baht. That's like RM3 only. 

Bits falling of me

"Then I am not interested in you calling me"

"I am not pissed at you, I am just not that interested in chatting with you then"

"Sometimes I might not say things to avoid people getting hurt"

"Let's just continue trying to be friends......we barely know each other anymore."

Lately, there seems to be some massive stress regarding how I want or need people to persieve me. How I want people to view me may be an uphill (up the Mounts of Everest more like it) task since most people have a clear (although distorted) perception of me.

It's so sick being in the role where everyone thinks you can strive or satisfy. It comes to the point where I no longer exist and no longer human.There are times where I enjoy my fun a little to much, at the cost of my vivid personality.

Sometimes I can get really pissed at how people present their statements. On those not so good day, the above reply is what you might get. I had it with so many people and it is so frustrating.

Daily news

"You aren't in the best of moods -- and if anyone deigns to cross you, they should figure that out pretty quickly! You might not literally bite their head off, but they may actually wish that you would."

.....and I thought I started out in such a good morning today. Waking up on the right side of bed may not be the best exactly, since I tend to be a little hyper mode and be very talkative and lazy to even begin work. Indeed I am. I haven't really done anything substantial today morning. Been pretty much talking and loitering since 8am.

We shall see whose head gets bitten off today. Why do I feel this will happen during lunch? Let's see..........

Movies night

Predetermined movies I might wanna catch. 

Voyage de la Vie

One of the many things which I like is performing arts. Performing in such a grandeur brings about excitement and the anticipation of what will happen next. Perhaps many of you might not know, but I enjoyed my Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra experience at the KLCC where music from "Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake" filled the hollow walls of the theater.


Studio Festi's - "Dancing in the Sky" was amazingly beautiful along the streets of Singapore. How did one production company manage to  stage one of the most amazing shows live on the streets? Spectacular was the only word to describe the movements and the music.


Being in Sydney, there was no way I could miss a chance to catch "Romeo & Juliet" being played at one of the greater places on earth, the Sydney Opera House. The view was spectacular from up close and inside. Although my tickets were very reasonable, but they were very far out. The next time I pop by Sydney, I would die to step in the Opera House, with slightly more pricer tickets. 


In Melbourne, there was my beloved Cirque du Soleil with "Dralion", the Asian inspired tale. Accompanying the magic and acts, there was humor. Good humor. It was really cool to watch the clowns up and get personal with them. For this show, I purchased almost the best seats in the house, blowing me an estimated AUD150. So worth it, and I'll do it again. My only wish is to go to the United States and have a go at the various shows Cirque du Soleil has. 


Okay, so the point of this post is to tell myself I should go for something new I saw while vacationing in Thailand. There was a poster hanging with the words "Voyage de la Vie". What was this all about? Looked intriguing, but was it enough to captivate me? So I shrug it off. Yesterday while watch "Parenthood", the advert for "Voyage de la Vie" came up. So it was being held in Resort World at Sentosa. Nearby, and pretty cheap change for someone who lives in Kuala Lumpur. Whats the pricing? OMG, the VIP tickets only cost SGD188. Best of all, they have a package (2D, 1N) where you can pick out Hard Rock Hotel as one of the rooms you stay in.Hmm, is SGD498 all worth it? 2 tickets for Category 3 (not exactly what I wanted, I wanted the VIP tickets), the hotel night stay and breakfast for two. 


Dwell over it.............its so nearby.

Burnt

Plan is to have a BBQ soon, as soon as possible. Perhaps like tomorrow? Crazy. I so wanna create the food list right now. Should my meals look like those, my heart shall melt. 

Start saving...Christmas is approaching

I never told you by Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Skipped heart

"People see what they want to see, people hear what they want to hear"

The irregular rhythm of my heart beat was cause by a misguided view and a buried hope. How naive could I have been to constantly be reading the wrong name? The fear of answering overtook every sense, every happiness, every sadness, every pain. It's not just my sight which has been failing. The confession of my lips muttered out the wrong name. My fingers seems to know your name so well, that it feels right jotting your name down on a paper and my life. 

I never saw my heart again once you left. 


I cannot find the heart I gave to you. 

Angels

You saw the mistake coming, but stood by it and closed your eyes,

Should have told you to leave me, but your on your knees begging me,

Let me go, let me spread my wings and allow me to be the angel I am.

Argh..............

"good evening =)
i think i have been contacting u at the wrong moments these few days
i shall do hope i have better luck this week
have a good evening =)"


What's so wrong about being polite and nice to someone? Instead of the usual annoying little "Hello's". There is really so many things wrong about those four sentences. 


1. What is with the good evening? Who the heck says that anymore these days? Any sense of chivalry these day (i.e. on me) will automatically be thrown down the drain. Come on, seriously. 


2. Contacting me the wrong time? Or perhaps the wrong person is contacting me?  Do you think I would wait by the phone to pick up the mobile when it is ringing at 12 in the morning constantly? Guess what, its on SILENT....totally silent. Shhhhh.....don't wake me when I am sleeping. 


3. Better luck? Haven't you being going on and on about your "bad luck", your "horrible, tiring job". Cut the crap. You seems pretty dead. Please die trying on me. Don't give me all the god forsaken excuses. Regarding your luck, you seem to be crafting it to be bad.


4. Again with the have a good evening? Argh. 

Logical or fantasy

Logically, something / someone may be so misplaced that they are so far out of reach. While, the Fantasy seems closer than ever. Logically logic, we know how we should be approaching this situation, but instead we choose to indulge in something intoxicating. 

Hit and run

Hit me hard in the head and the heart. Am I seriously considering Balenciaga NUMBER TWO? Someone please HIT ME! Must be feeling so bloody lonely that I am beginning to think my bags can actually talk to me?

I am sorry

I know what I did, and I know it was being hypocritical, and I am sorry. I am sorry for myself, for what I have done - losing myself along with what I believed in. I am sorry for the disappointed I caused you. I will not say I am sorry to you, as I m too proud to do so. I want to know so much, but if you choose not to tell me, I will just say okay and leave it be. I can cry myself to sleep, as long as you don't feel the pain I feel.


Stop crying please. Crying won't solve any problems. I can't stop because I fear something which I don't want to be true. 

Lies – Liar; Used – User.

LIES and the Liar

How should one respond to “I love you” when it is being confessed to them? Should we remain silent when we are not ready? Or do we smile back and reply “I love you too” when we barely love that person, and we do so to maintain decorum.

Why would one think they are ready to say “I love you”? Are you sure the other person deserves to hear it, or is that person on the same level as you are? Do you mutter out “I love you” as a gesture of kindness or do you really mean it?

Where do we go from here? I know I don’t love you, although you have shown much kindness and support. But it’s barely enough for me to phantom. I don’t love you. I barely know you. No, I know nothing about you. I’ll pull away even more this time around, as I feel you somehow seem real about it, but it also seems like a nightmare.

USED and the User

Why do we keep doing this to each other? We seem to love cutting each other up, and throwing one another into the dump to heal, and we return to push that knife slightly deeper the second round. You will not see the abrasions on my face, nor my hand, arms or legs. They are all hidden deep in the depth of my soul. Even if you found that scar, what can you do about it? You don’t care enough to heal it for me. You only stare at the pain you have caused and apologize. I don’t need your pity sorry and pity looks. I would prefer if we stop hurting each other and heal all the past scars.

When I say you and I, it works both ways. I do not deny I have treated you any better. Perhaps I only feel the cuts as I only feel you. There is not a cloud clouding my better judgement, and I can see things for what they are.

At times, I feel used by you and the revelation impairs me. Perhaps I may be nothing more to you, and you may not be everything to me, but definitely you are someone to me. I can’t stop my eyes from welling up; when I suspect that I might be used to ease your pain.  

Much damage has been done, and it’s not over yet. 

You lost me

Christina Aguilera's - You lost me......

Glance and there was no one

Out of the blue, there I met you. I find it hard to believe you are completely complete. I so adore and I missed you today. There you were walking past me, but I saw and glared past you. 

Vortex

This is how I begin. No. This should be how I begin. There is so much going on that it is becoming increasingly difficult to see where I should be heading. When you see and feel like a vortex, it literally sucks you and stabs you slowly till you have cried your eyes out and bleed your soul out. I see the scars and wounds but I refuse to put a band-aid on it. I want to cry over it but when I think about it, I can barely see the days of tears. It somehow constantly feels like I need to be held and comforted constantly this week. 

LOST

The feeling of being lost is back Being lost, just makes me feel lost. LOST.

Ear-Ring in the gift

So I know this post has been long delayed, but to be fair, I just got my gift last 2 weeks ago. Nevertheless, it was a beautiful gift - simple and elegant.

Blew (possibly many) hole in the pockets

Crazy (eye-rolling situation, CRAZY)

There are some people who are willing to sell their limbs to purchase a particular luxury good to satisfy themselves, and I am one of those (sickly annoying) people. My latest baby is my new handbag from Balenciaga. Come 

on people. Admire the official photo from the website. Balenciaga Part Time with classic hardware in Sahara for the year 2010. 

Eye-popping (since it was a BONUS)

Holy crap. In addition, we got a bonus by getting SGD300 vouchers to use. So being a very logical person, I purchased 2 bottles of Balenciaga Paris Eau de Parfum - which cost SGD296. 

Borderline insane (seriously, INSANE)

View my next purchase above (i.e. the third picture). OMG, I am going crazy. That will set me back another SGD660.

McDonald's Sausage McMuffin with Egg.

For those who know me, you should very well know I never use the phone features (i.e. the camera).  However today morning, I could not resist taking a snap shot at the breakfast I was downing. I mean, have a look at the piece of burger.

I want to say more, but I am watching the Grey's Anatomy season finale and its pulling me away from my typing.

CONCLUSION: WATCH WHAT YOU EAT!