A Change Of Heart

It started out with one evening, where I narrated my story, about the hospital and a familiar face to a close friend of mine. Her response was so unexpected, that when she referred to him as that guy, everything somehow fell apart. She doesn't like him, neither does his colleagues apparently.


I saw no reason to despite him, as he gave me something and was someone I could look forward to everyday, every weekday. The discovery I made - so shockingly changed my point of view slightly, and I tried to defend how I felt or how complicated he was for most people to understand. That was all on Tuesday. 


Thursday morning. I had a casual chat with my friends, and he noted another acronym for CPA. I found it funny for a rough 30 seconds, and then I started questioning him about who came up with that idea. My friend brushed it off, but that was when he did not realize he would have slipped up a minute or two into the conversation. This friend of mine was laughing together with his own colleagues , while I stood there patiently. Then, he mentioned the smart-arse's name. At that moment, it hit me so hard, that this person / puzzle / motivation that I loved so much seem to disregard education. That moment, the change of heart occurred. I felt angry and disconnected. How can anyone "bash" around education, like its a punching bag. I am passionate about education, and this crushes me. 


Now I truly understand how it feels to be among the haters. 


Please do not diss that one thing in life, that put you where you are today. That is our education. We may not have the best education system, but it is nevertheless an education, some people only can hope and dream about. You could have gone to an overseas university, that doesn't make you any better than the person sitting next to you. I am passionate about it, and while you may not enjoy education, do not ruin it for the many other people. Education has never done anything to hurt you, but provide you a platform to stand on. 

Deep Down

You're the type of person who notices everything and forgets nothing. You are very in tune with the world. You feel deeply, and sometimes the silliest things can effect you. You are easily brought to laughter or tears.

You don't show the world how fragile you are. You instead show people how insightful you can be. You are good at anticipating what's going to happen in your life. You are often the first one to see what's coming.

Thank You, Door

This is pretty awkward for me to talk about, and I totally understand it was nothing special to wail about. Today, I manage to accumulate some level of bravery and say a soft but certainly audible "thank you", when the door was held open. It may seem insignificant to the normal, rational me but at this current stage, I feel great. It feel amazing to move past that silence stage where I would not utter a single word. I am so happy today for no apparent reason. Its not like holding the door open was anything special, but it gave me the opportunity to speak up, when I had never dared dream. 


I am glad, I have moved past stage one of mustering all my courage to say something, anything at all. 


j Y 

Succumbed To The Pressure Of Life

My best friend cooed that she was proud to have a successful career focused friend. My only reply is that it tires me at times to be on the fast track. She goes on saying that I am the only one (out of four of us) as of now to have everything I have hoped for, in regards to a career life. It is indeed a tiring process to maintain that train on that specific rail. At times, it feels like the train could swerve out of line, at any moment.


She continues the admiration, while I continue the self-destructive embarrassment. Despite being career focused, I do admit that at times I wish I was a little less rigid in my target and plans. I have a schedule for everything in life - where nothing becomes spontaneous in life. My biggest woe is the fact I don't have a love life. In fact, it looks bleak. My social life has been on a crawl back to some hope of life, with my closest friends coming back. 


Indeed life is tough on everyone. It becomes slightly tougher when I prefer to surround myself with a few close friends, whom I really care for - instead of the unusual 300 friends on Facebook. That seems a little superficial for me. I enjoy the afternoon talks, where the discussion is open about the past, present and future - no issue left unanswered, unturned. I do miss my closest friends all the time. I can't pretend to be one of those whom can make "fast friends" and dump them a few months down. Its wrong on so many levels. 


I love the work I do. It might have a set of problems attached at the hip, but the problems are minor. Friday was a hurricane for me. It started out slow, slow slow - slow till the point where I can be sick about it. After lunch, I felt miserable as a whole person, as a friend, as an employee. My emotions were high strung, and all over the place. I lost it on Friday. Was I worried about something? I doubt it. Towards the last 2 hours, it became a typhoon of problems where a client posed a really silly, but relevant question. It made me feel stupid, when I could not provide him an answer. This followed on with a mistake I made in relation to my leave application. How silly I felt to miss that out. The world around and inside me was falling apart. When everything was done, I felt like a total useless piece of paper. I was that crushed blank sheet of paper, with no emotions attached to it.It broke my spirit. 


Waking late on Saturday morning after an enjoyable night did not help. The "hangover of headache" did not help my reckless emotions. I consumed not one ounce of alcohol the night before as I was already to tired. This weekend somehow turned out better than expected. My best friend was around to reassure me, that my life was intact - the way it was suppose to. Confident people sometimes do succumb to peer pressure and the pressure at work. My only outlet is to panic in the height of the moment. When I panic, my vocal throat blocks up with a lump - nauseating. I tell myself to breathe, but it is always easier said then done.