Proposal

When the time comes...

The perfect proposal would involve a walk alone on the beach, walking in the clear water.

Laughter and kisses fill the space between us.

Allow me to walk ahead and you reach out for my hand. Pull me close just for you to kiss my forehead, asking me to be your wife.

You said - that I wouldn't get over him until I get my reply.
Perhaps you're right, perhaps it's that you are reading me wrong.

You said - he's really dumb for not taking the opportunity. 
Will you step up to the opportunity?

I'm telling you - you are wrong about how I feel for him.
I'm telling you - take the opportunity because I want you to.

If you could see my cues to him, can you see mine to you?

Don't let...

Don't let that feeling wash all over me again...I spent too long keeping it away, but it feels like that feeling that I miss you is standing outside the door.

Don't open it...it can bring no good to me.

Day 66

It's Day 66.

I do occasionally still think about you, but I surely can survive without you. I learnt to give myself the apology I never got from you.

Even though, I must admit I would do things differently, if I could turn back time, to see if we had that future.

I don't resent you anymore, just that you occasionally cross my mind with the question of "what if".

Always me

It would be nice for you to say hi first. It's always me, who starts out with a hi. It's been a month, and yet I heard nothing from you.

It's great to know what a "great" friend you are.

YSL

OMG....I love my new wallet. It's just, so me.

*winks*

Down to two

Down to missing 2 people, instead of the 3 I did miss last week.

Trying my very best (again) to keep my life in balance, to not depend on them.

For one of them, I spoke to him everyday of the weekday, but yet I am here wishing I stop missing him. I kinda want to talk to him. I kinda want things to be more than what it is now. Perhaps I know its time to finally be with someone "different". Someone who thinks of my best interest, someone who cares, someone who will be there always, through the bad and good.

However I know I am afraid to like him further. Scared to learn to love him.

Sleep?

Need I say more......my cure for tonight.

Please don't

Please don't head back to toxic waste, J. It's not worth it. He will make me feel far worst than I am feeling now.

He's worst than the rest of them. I know its true. I am just a junkie with hope to get some attention, to make me forget.

Emotionally unstable

I don't know why I feel this way about you. I mean nothing to you, but yet I have a soft spot for you.

Can I emotionally check out of everything I feel for you or anyone else around me?

Is there something which can make me forget all that I currently feel? I wish I could stop all the emotions, which can lead no where.

I know I substitute how I used to feel for J, to everyone around me. I am just projecting my feelings to everyone.

Please make me forget how I used to feel and how I feel now.

Is there?

Is there anything going on between us? Or will something eventually happen between us? 
I am not sure how or if I am reading you right.
It's like we're in a state of limbo, where one moment it feels like something is going on, 
The other times, just that you seem super friendly. 

Come on....

Drugged

I feel like a druggie, who constantly requires help to relax and sleep.

I love how it makes me feel or not feel at all. It keeps the demons away at night, when they come out to play.

Today is no different. I didn't get what I wanted.

How, I missed you

Will it help for me to acknowledge that I miss you?

If I pretended you did not exist, that would mean I never learnt anything our relationship taught me.
So here I am acknowledging that I do miss you, so very often, so very much.
I am learning to let go of the guilt I have harbored since September 2011.

I miss you, J. I do. I also know you're no good for my soul, my life and my well being.

This song will be forever in reflection of you, which I will always keep in memory "how".

Transitioning through out today

I kinda miss someone whom I shouldn't be missing at all, I reckon. 
All my energy which was previously wasted vested in J, has now been shifted everywhere. 
I just haven't found the right missing piece to fit my feeling for. 

Lost for words

........................................................................................................................ 

I know there is something I need to get off my mind, but I feel lost for words.

I barely know how and what to feel. 

I don't even know who I need or want to speak to. 

The only other thing I do know is, I want to stand by a window pane and stare out into the skyline. 

jY

Reminded me of you

Missing...

I am here, missing tons of people...well 3 to be exact. 
Trying very hard not cling on to missing them, 
But the longer time passes by, the more I seem to miss them.
Thinking about it now, seems so silly.
But the truth is, I feel like some egotistical maniac, 
Who refuses to admit missing any of them. 

Just trying to talk myself outta missing people whom I shouldn't. 

Loved once, J

It was definitely easier thinking and mentally letting you go......
I'll miss you
I never got the closure I wanted, or needed
But I'll be okay without it

Goodbye to what we almost had

Goodbye, J


Loved once, 
J

Day (infinity)

It's been days that I've required the medication to get to bed.


At times, I feel haggard of life. 
Perhaps the drugs are screwing me over. 


Not sure what I am trying to convince myself of. 

25 January 2013

To new beginnings.....

All I want to do is smile. Am I reading the situation right? Are we both flirting, or was it just me?

It's nice to go out with a guy, who actually seem to have my safety concerns prioritized - from the safety of my bag, to how I slept.

It was not exciting or illicit as I would normally go for, but it felt comforting and safe. Something which I haven't felt in a long time.

Towards the end, I actually started to feel the giddiness about going out with him for a drink.

To a happy ending?

Happiness is only short lived

Do I look like I m happy?
Believe me when I say I m not.
I see tears every other night.
I see the end every other month.

Hearts content

If I could see you, I would tell you that you have meant and is a crucial part of my life. It might take you aback, but I had loved you since.

Could we try again? We were great. I just love you so much. I love you.

Moving forward

I can't sleep thinking of how everyone's life is moving forward, as I watch from the same spot.

I'm petrified of life, to live it, to love it.