Waiting to here those words

Those words are not "I love you". It is the words that would make anyone stupid enough to devote so much of energy and time to someone else, and then that person goes back to the horrid life they used to have - feeling dumbfounded. 


Every time you have something to tell me, I brace myself for those words. I am driving myself mad and paranoid by letting her ruin my life. I keep thinking she is waiting for my happy episode to come up, and then she'll pounce and tear it all up. 


...This week itself I let my heart beat till it almost crashed. I know it will happen soon. It is a matter of time. 


It will leave me speechless and I will be gone - habouring and licking on the wounds created by both of you. I don't know how can we be friends when she comes back into my life, directly or indirectly. 

Thoughts of you

Why is it I continue thinking about you? I spoke to you the previous 2 days, but I cannot seems to get you off my mind. Its' like I want to hear from you and how you're doing. Perhaps it was because you loosened up so much, that the conversation became more than just work. I could actually talk to you without being all worried about what topic we might talk about. 


Honestly, a little disappointed at the last message you sent, where it was a simple thank you. Somehow I wanted a little more. 

How we wonder

At 21, we work on finishing our last year in university, and hope to scrap through those last few subjects and just pass. We don't want to be those who 'failed' to get out in the predetermined time frame. 


At 22, we sit back and tell ourselves, "Wow, I made it through those 3 years and at last I got my degree". So what? We go ahead looking for the job we want, on the way being super annoyingly picky about the job we want. 


By 23, we have been working on the job for a year now, and I hate it. So what do I do? I quit. I find another job which I supposedly love. ---> Liars. 


On the way, we continue screwing up our lives by hating our jobs, having irrelevant fights with the boyfriend or girlfriend, making up, bitching about the bosses at work and breaking up for good. 

What else is there to say?

How is it that today feel really weird out? Somehow there is this "too close, too soon" issue which is driving me nuts. I am having the classic freak out moment right now, where I feel I could just lose myself. 


But at the same time, I want it, but I am afraid of so many issues. Things are great, but that is what I love. Things just being great. I don't want anymore nor any less. Am I making any sense here? I just love this status quo, which I have. Today was somewhat overkill for me. 


I am losing myself again. I am going freaky out and can't even comprehend myself and my jibbery. 

Temptation

I am so tempted to be a bitch and snipe at someone. At this point of time, I don't care how I used to feel for that person but I just want to snap (and snap and snap and SNAP) at them. 


Temptation - an act that looks appealing to an individual. All it does is looks appealing. 
Do we or can we actually be the way we appeal to be? 


Repercussions - often indirect effect, influence or result that is produced by an event or action. 
There are massive repercussions to think about should I carry out the temptation.


Wounds - an injury to the feelings
The repercussions of that temptation could end up wounding many individuals, myself included. 


Silence - the condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent
As an avoidance to the wounds caused by the repercussions of being tempted, we have the option to forever hold our peace by keeping our silence. 

Upset

I am upset till the point where I feel like crying.............

Forgiveness