Person and People

People come in many different height, weight, personalities and attitude. While some have the upper hand of being gorgeously looking with that charming personality, there are others who are more average looking, but have such complex personalities. Others are not so good looking, but they have the personality and attitude which can easily overshadow their looks.

Of course, there is the opposite end of things - beautiful, spoil little thing.

There are a few people, in my life who can be charming if they want to, but mainly they are just boring people. Or is it I am a person who gets bored easily. Perhaps, I am.

This group of people, ask the same questions, tell me the same things. I can live without, "Hi, busy?" or "How's work" or "I missed you". Oh please, I can say those words to myself. As much as I appreciate their care, I get bored. When I am bored, everything else is blinded along with my boredom. Let me hear something different.

And then, there are some people who are so complex, which blows me out of the water. The level of complexity is so enigmatic to understand, which gives me the excitement to solve them and all those cryptic words. Some people are long standing suffers, as myself. We suffer in silence, on all levels. Nothing seems to satisfy my needs or curiosity.

I need new friends. Not being critical, but a friend who can understand the enigmatic way my mind thinks. I need my own jigsaw solver. I am as messed up as before. It is brokenly held together with industrial strength glue. After three and a half years, the glue on the inside is beginning to show fatigue signs. The outer layer is drying up.

Complexity, I need you. I need a game. I need someone with a back bone; someone who can say both no and yes at the appropriate moments; someone who is willing to face the consequences of their actions. Yet that person can tell me, stop and breathe. Am I really so much better without you? I think I am, but at times I miss you. I tell myself not to think of you.

As a dedication to you, I need to say that I miss you. I thought I got rid of every shred of memory I had of you, but it is always easier said than done. I miss so many things about you. If the world saw you, they would know I am made out of flesh and bones – that I am capable of caring so deeply. When I am with you, I am never the shallow person I am. Infatuations come and go. Infatuation makes me have knots in my throat, but I need someone like you, someone who kept me at awe. I need to feel the way I feel for a person, the way I feel for a BMW. My heart skips a million skips. My smile lights up. My patience grows. My love never dies.

Can I achieve anything out of the recent infatuation I have with the most complex and interesting person I know? Maybe it is better we are individually complex. We both play at the games. We would be too screwed up together. We would be so messed up.

Counselee Meeting

Morning, morning, morning. I love the mornings. USUALLY.

Today, however was slightly filled with fear. I had the honour to meet with my counsellor.

But truth be told, she is a tough boss to work for. Nevertheless, she is a wonderful person at heart.

I never knew I had so many things in common with her.

This is because I never gave either of us the opportunity to learn about each other.

Her talk was inspirational, touching, teary at one point. She lay down the fact and truth – advise which is hard to come by.

Although we had a short time together, she will always be remembered.

Thank you for the willingness to teach, for pushing us to achieve what we thought we never could and for sharing the knowledge.

For that, I thank you.

Abstain

For a month, once a year, many people abstain from food – which we refer to the month of Ramadan or fasting.

If man, can abstain from food and water for a whole day, it is without doubt that man can go without sex.

We as humans can abstain from many luxuries in life. We can live without the need for console games, mobile gadgets, luxury cars and branded cotton.

We cannot live without water, the sun, basic food – carbohydrate and protein, electricity (to a certain extend).

Every day we face Death in the face, but Death just walks by. This is because it is not our time yet.

But when Death decides one day, it's our day – it might be all too late.

We take money, love, sloth, kindness, friendships, jobs and convenience – all for granted.

If everyone could follow Death in to his darkness, and be given the chance to come back to this haven, everyone will be a better person.

Don't assume when you wake up, the job will be there waiting for you.

Don't be surprise to wake up one morning, to discover your loved ones have walked out on you.

Don't turn your back on your friends, those who deserve to be called friend (not the ones who are superficially there) to realise you thrown that friendship away.

We have to convince ourselves that we love to wake up, head to work.

We have to shout out loud and express the love we have for the ones who stood by us.

We have to stop every once in a while, reflect back and realise we have it.

What you may ask me? Most of us have lives, where others only dream of.

Abstain from the greed.

Abstain from jealousy.

Abstain from sloth.

Abstain from screaming our lungs out at the next person.

Abstain from infidelity.

Abstain from anger.

Abstain from hatred.

We have many things to abstain from. It all depends on what and which part we want to improve on.

Dealing With Disappointment

We have been told countless times that life is filled with disappointment and sadness, which probably no one really comprehends. We adapt to the disappointment surrounding us, we learn from the sadness that overwhelms us. Some people deal with anger, disappointment, and sadness through tears; while some laugh it off. There a few handful who prefer to suffer in silence and place the blame on ourselves. After some level of rationalisation, we come to terms that we did our best and it wasn't really out mistake to begin with.

That's when the demons come out to play.

After self-blaming, the fingers rotate in a wild 360 degrees and find the closest person to blame. Are we that inferior that we blame the next innocent person? Or are we just fighting the demons from consuming our fragile soul? Ideally, we have to step back and "zone" out for a few days. The demons will eventually tire out. We would eventually be the rational and practical person, we once were. Do we forbid the demons from resurfacing, or do we change who we are? I, for one, like ourselves the way we are – vulnerable only to our weakness, yet strong in appearance.

Flavoured Coffee

You Are Mocha Iced Coffee

You are bold and confident.

You enjoy taking risks, especially when the rewards are great.

For you, there's nothing better than the taste of sweet success.

You crave power. You have a dominant personality, and most people are drawn to your strengths.

You are very creative and inventive.

You follow your passions, and they rarely lead you astray.

The Fifth Day of The Week

I myself am tired of saying this, but its' Friday once again.

Fear overcomes and sweeps over me.

I am more afraid of missing my heart over Yellow.

Hate referring to him as Yellow, but I can't seem to type his name without the feeling my heart fell 15 levels.

Chasing Harry Winston

A monogamist committed to whoring her life.

The serial dater, committing her life to monogamy.

A perfect life, with the perfect companion - commitment stricken.

The book is wrapped into one person's life. Mine - without the perfect companion.

The Feelings Like This

“There’s one minute of the day, I would leave this man just to occupy one minutes of your day, Just to occupy one minute of your day, Just to sleep underneath your bed, Just to stay in the corner of your eyes”

If Today's Feeling Lasted

Starting work at the dawn of the morning brings much joy. The office remains empty till 8.30am, where there is an hour and a half to chill back. Today, instead of a leap of heart, my faith leap bounds for a single prayer. Moving up and down the corridor doesn’t seem to have that calming effect. Walking up and down the pathway can’t keep me smiling.

9.00am was when I came back in the office. Nothing has changed since then. Nothing. Not a person extra on the side of my floor. The leap of faith crumbles and deteriorates within 15 minutes. The remainder of the day belongs to the dark and twisted side.

Every time I stood, there was indeed someone missing. The feeling crept slowly, consuming every last bit of energy I had in me. Never thought that the exhaustion I faced today ever existed. It broke my soul, my mind and my emotions. Work became a drag, which I have never felt before. There was a massive lack of motivation and inspiration to continue. All I wanted was to cry my energy out.

If this feeling lasted, I could lose it.

If this feeling lasted, I could cripple once.

If this feeling lasted, I would cripple twice.

If this feeling lasted, I am a crippled.

8.30am to 5.30pm Officially

From the moment people walk in the office, there is so much going on. The things, the actions and the words exchanged are countless. Some regarding how they spent the weekend, how the traffic was a stand-still. Some politicking about the boss that called them at 12am, some about their personal lives, and some about the people they work with.

There is so much one could learn from all the talk that occurs on Monday morning to Friday evening. Some bosses walking in and out frantically of the meeting room (which is ideally in front of me), some other bosses instructing the preparers and reviewers to get started on the work at hand, some colleagues talking about the weekend holiday.

Having the ability to hear is a blessing all together. However, having the ability to pick up words and sounds from across the group seating could prove a heavy price to pay. The ears hurt, the mind hurts even more. At times, the mind and the heart panic for the care of a person.

I could get a headphone and shut the noise out that would last for approximately 15 minutes. For the remaining 7hours and 45 minutes, there is so many topics to hear, the sucking sounds of the vacuum cleaner, the pounding on the glass door, the laugher which fills the air.

I am still sitting at the cross-roads of talk. I hear, I reject. There are times where some words mean more than I wish to be true. Those words get stuck in my head.

Different People

I probably have boast that I know people well, even sometimes better than they know themselves. The truth is, I could be so wrong at times. The more I find out about some people - sets our relationship a step back.

I've just realise, that despite the smile you have, you are a much more bitter person than I am. You portray yourself as someone with no problems, but you have a hill full pf problems. You are more troubled than I am. The more I find out, the more remorse I get.

I seem to be all things money, and you despise money. We're totally from different worlds.

My question to you - why do you continue the "play" that you are content with life? Why do you insist on making people happy, while you suffer in silence? Certainly, this doesn't prove one weak. Are you pressured to maintain status quo?

If I could find a way to talk to you, I would tell you to bleed your heart out of all the misery you seem to hold close to your heart. I'm a bitter person, therefore I would understand.

The affection is turning into pity.

Why do we insist on smiling? Why do we continue to express our self in the best and misunderstood way, so that the truth is there, but it is sugar coated? Aren't you tired of nodding yes?

Freaking Out

Saw you walked in the room, thought I try talking to you. But half of the time, I am way too freaked out to even be in the same proximity with you. Freaked out in the photocopier room. Freaked out when you walked pass me while I was typing. Freaked out when we glanced across the corridor. The first step to say "hi" is the toughest. I can say many things, to many people - but way too afraid to turn to notice you. I noticed that pale shirt you had on.

I'm trying to burn the candle out and I think I would be alright. I feel invincible, you know you seem invincible to me. Do you glance at everyone, the way I think you do?

And tomorrow is Friday once again.

What’s going on? Puzzled myself.

Have you ever constantly feel exhausted physically and mentally, but emotionally you know that you cannot give up? It’s like my brains is telling me to slow it down and take a break, but emotionally I feel its violating everything my mind believes in. Even right now, I am pretty much dozing off.

And as of 2.47pm, I just went through a doze of brutal embarrassing mortification. Hello...how can people not here me on the phone? Do they expect me to scream my lungs out for them. They either have to change their phones or clean out their ears. Do they think I am in a open field where I can voice and vent my frustration on top of my lungs? NO. I am in the freaking office. OFFICE, I repeat. Ok...this is a form of venting my anger towards that client - appororiately nicknamed "deaf one".

Breathe breathe breathe. BREATHE. BREATHE BREATHE.

Don’t really give a damn if I shall feel like a blonde by whining away and away. I don't care.

Ok...Joey, let it go.

Path of Time

Some path of time. It took me back two years, to have a slight glimpse of your previous life.

Then it hit me, and I raced to check my blog. My blog feels totally air headed. You are so focused on life, and take things so seriously, while I nag and whine on blogspot. I am doing that right now.

You present yourself to be so calm, and carry your emotions well. While I have my emotions in check in presentation, it is all over the place inside, sucking at me. You learn from life's lesson, I vent my anger and hatred for others. I feel like a brunette, whom just bleached my hair blonde. I know I was complicating and I knew you were complicating to an extent, but your complexity blows me out of the water.

The massive infatuation which has overcome me the past month, is starting to subside. But somewhat I feel your pain and your frustration, sadness and I wish I could help pick the pieces up for you. I may have never felt the depth which you feel, but certainly I know what it is like to have a broken heart. Your fingers bleed along with your heart, when you have to pick yourself up.

I wished I said something today, when I had the opportunity to. You're right, the first step is the toughest move of all. We fear we will fail, but fail to see if we shall succeed. But undoubtedly, you were not your usual self. There was the feeling that your world just crumbled once again, before it had the change to build the foundations.

There are so many paths in life, but ours seem to cross - consciously or sub-consciously. If I could, I would place my palm on your chest to calm the beat. If I could, I would place you hand in mine, to let you know I will always be there if you needed me.

I shall let there be silence, while you voice your opinion. Tears shall form while you convey your feeling. I feel your pain so much now. I never knew the real you. I said I'm noticing, but I never saw you for you. I saw the glimpse of you today. For over a month, I saw only the painted-happy exterior, which you portrayed. If you insist on that portrayal, I shall be your tears. If you choose to be the tears, I shall remain strong for you and I.

I cannot think of a way to show you my understanding in reality. Hopefully you shall come to know that I understand the way you feel. A somber colour in your memory.

jY

3rd August 2009

No time to think of any other "creative" names for my blog title.

7.10am - Change whatever was required by my senior

8.30am - All the "MC" emails start flooding my inbox

8.40am - I hear the annoying laughter, the terrible cough and the crinkle of breakfast

9.00am - Hallucination started and the loitering began

12.30pm - Lunch, "made used" by friend to submit paper for leave

1.40pm - Start on abstract work once again.

2.30pm - PANIC, where is my lost tax file copy?

2.40pm - Can I actually take on another tax computation right now?

4.30pm - Shocked that he stopped at my table to wait for the meeting room

4.40pm - Illness kicked in with fluctuations of hot and cold and nausea

4.50pm - The mood seems a little more somber than before, ending with "Thank you, Mr. Goh"

5.15pm - Vocally voiced out that he was not in a good mood - neither was I

5.30pm - But thought of a way to "buy" time

6.15pm - Packed up within 3 min, and left - why that time?

6.20pm - Sub-consciously I did not walk to my car like always

6.25pm - Walked in the booth the cash my ticket out

6.25pm - (5 seconds later) That unmistakable blue shirt

6.25pm - (30 seconds later) Walked out the door and sped to my car

6.30pm - Dawned on me that I should have said something. SOMETHING.

7.40pm - To Yellow: You are arrogant. You're also arrogantly gorgeous.